94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[theonlyresponse]

You're not crazy.

I think you're very sweet but I'm too afraid to tell you this because you might leave me like everyone else did.

voice :V

[ichoosefight]

I don't like texting, it feels so constricting and I never know if people are actually laughing at my jokes.

But it's funny you should say that, because I think if you were the Batman to my Robin things never would have gone the way they did, and I never would have had to leave in the first place.

still text :(

[theonlyresponse]

Texting is distant and objective. I like to pretend I'm objective even though some of my decisions are clearly based on my emotions because if I started questioning my own judgements I would collapse under the weight of my hypocrisy and guilt.

If I'd picked you to be my next Robin my life would have improved considerably. I wish I'd done that.

I've been wanting to ask who hurt you so I can make sure they never do it again, but I don't think you'd like me killing someone for that reason even if I personally have no issues with it.

[ichoosefight]

Oh, I knew that first part. It's really obvious how much you're repressing and how your silence is just you running away from the things you don't want to face.

That last part is actually kinda endearing. It's sweet that you care so much. And you know, the only reason I didn't shoot Black Mask in his stupid ugly face was because I was afraid Batman and Robin would never forgive me, and at that point that seemed more important than surviving.

If he weren't already dead I would probably go for it and claim temporary insanity.

[bodilesswarrior]

If we weren't all a bit crazy when we started I think we are now. ...That could mean being a Warden or a vigilante, really.

And yes, leeches were used in ancient Rome. They've made a comeback in modern medicine, actually.

[ichoosefight]

This place is enough to drive anybody crazy. If any of us is sane it's pure luck.

I never want to be treated with leeches, they're slimy and gross and I hate them and if I met one in a dark alley I would probably scream.

Voice

[bodilesswarrior]

Well, at least it's like home that way.

So I shouldn't tell you about the maggots, then.

Voice

[ichoosefight]

Ohmygod please don't, if I had eaten lunch yet I would probably throw up because I really hate bugs and bug-like creatures. Anything that might be considered vermin, really.

[buildindreemz]

I think you have to be a little crazy - or just desperate - to make a deal to come here. I admire everyone who makes this system work for them, because it's not a very good one.

[ichoosefight]

It's a horrible system. It's ironic that the inmates are really the admirable ones. I often feel like what I do doesn't matter and people will either graduate or they won't on their own will.

[buildindreemz]

I feel the same way, especially since I got paired with Rex when he was already pretty far redeemed.

[ichoosefight]

I keep getting paired with people who disappear, but only after we've been unpaired. It makes me feel a little sabotaged.

[greenarrowed]

Sounds like you're serving a broken system. [AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO FIX IT >|]

[ichoosefight]

For the system to be broken it would have had to be whole at some point. Sometimes I feel like Wanda's right, that I'm a bad person for even being accomplice to this place. But most of the time I agree with Kon, that even if the circumstances are awful people can grow and learn and that's a good thing.

[greenarrowed]

People don't change. Not really.

[ichoosefight]

Some people change. I changed, just enough to count. My mom changed. My dad didn't but I'm pretty sure he's actually mentally ill. The Black Mercy probably doesn't help.

[hungryanhorny]

Pretty sure we're all insane, BG.

Least you I actually like.

[ichoosefight]

Well that's a plus. It's always nice to be liked, even if you are a little bit insane.

[hungryanhorny]

And you aren't?

Why do you think I like you so much?

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

Roman medicine was alright. I mean, they had leeches, yes, but they used basic anesthetics and boiled their implements first for surgery, and used vinegar acid to wash out wounds, which worked as a rudimentary disinfectant. You're probably thinking of medieval medicine, which was terrible.

Now I'm embarrassed because that probably sounded unbearably pretentious but I've never had any friends so I read a lot and I use knowledge to make up for all my other inadequacies. The leeches were just a metaphor, but I was avoiding your actual point because it struck a nerve with me.

You're right that there's not really any difference. Everyone is messed up and everyone does unforgivable things and the only meaningful difference between wardens and inmates is power.

But I still think you're a better person that I am, because that distresses you. You want things to be fair, you want to make them okay, for the people you care about, instead of just hurting them to get want you want. I'm jealous.

[private]

[ichoosefight]

I didn't mean it was poor quality, just that I'm messing with stuff I don't really understand completely. Although leeches are still awful.

I don't think everyone does unforgivable things, necessarily.

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

I don't think anyone really understands.

That's true. Some people die young.

Private.

[an_abomination]

Don't forget about our promise. If you go home and you don't return, or you return a different person, then I'll use my deal to restore your memories of being here.

Private.

[ichoosefight]

I know, and that's a little comforting but it still scares me and I don't want to risk it.

Private.

[an_abomination]

I wish there was something I could do, I hate that being here is so hard for you.