94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

Private.

[ichoosefight]

[ She rests her head against his chest. ]

It does. It's really a problem.

Private.

[an_abomination]

[Covers her engagement hand with one of his.] It's part of why I proposed. I know there are a lot of things out of our control. Whatever happens, our engagement symbolizes that what we have means something and what we feel for each other is real.

Private.

[ichoosefight]

Yeah. [ She laces her fingers through his. ] Even if floods or breaches or ports tear us apart, it's only temporary.

Private.

[an_abomination]

Nothing could tear me apart from you. [Kisses her.] Not the Barge, distance, or time.

[ichoosefight]

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. [ She kisses him again. ]

[an_abomination]

Sometimes I still have trouble believing that. You've had so many amazing things happen in your life, met so many people, and done so many things...I don't know. It's still great to hear. [Smiles into their kiss.]

[ichoosefight]

It's completely true. Of all the amazing things I've experienced you make me happier than anything else. I don't want you to ever doubt that.

[an_abomination]

I don't. I just wish there was something more I could do, so that you wouldn't feel so miserable here. I'd rather be miserable for awhile than have you be miserable for any longer.

[ichoosefight]

I'm never miserable when you're with me. Even if I'm hurt or scared, you make it better.

[an_abomination]

We'll have to have another movie night. There's a ton available in the library.

[Closes his eyes over, running his fingers along her side.]

The last port was nice. I mean, it was crazy but nice for the two of us. Scooter rides and movies.

[ichoosefight]

Yeah. [ She closes her eyes as well and rests her head against his shoulder. ]

I'm glad we were able to be together, even if it wasn't us. We should watch something fun, like Finding Nemo. Disney movies.

[an_abomination]

Sounds good.

[Sighs contently.]

I was pretty worked up earlier, now I feel content. Talk about pulling a 180.

[ichoosefight]

It's better when we're together like this. It's harder over the network. [ She likes being able to tighten her arms around him, comfort him with her closeness. It puts her at ease. ]

[an_abomination]

It is. Sometimes I still have a hard time dealing with my emotions. I get overwhelmed and I'm afraid I'll say anything I regret.

[Nuzzles her neck.]

Then when we hold each other like this, it makes me glad I'm able to keep myself together.

[ichoosefight]

Even when you can't hold it together, I'm still here for you.

[an_abomination]

What if I say something hurtful?

[ichoosefight]

You'll just have to take it back.

[an_abomination]

I'd take it back in a heartbeat.

[ichoosefight]

Then you have nothing to worry about. [ She smiles. ] Sometimes people hurt each other in little ways. It happens. It's nothing that will get between us.

[an_abomination]

We've never really had a big fight before. That was the closest the two of us have come to one. I don't have any experience to reflect back on to help me figure out how couples between arguments go.

[ichoosefight]

I have a lot of experience but I think the key word there is couples. Not all couples really love each other. I don't think my father really loved my mother. Their arguments were very different.

I think we're doing just fine.

[an_abomination]

I'm glad we always find a way to talk things out. I know early on I used to get pretty moody, but you always looked for the good in the situation.

[ichoosefight]

I'm glad you've learned to see things in a better light, even though I didn't really mind you being moody.

[an_abomination]

Something tells me while you didn't mind it, you probably like it better when I'm not.

[ichoosefight]

I do like it better when you're not. I can only be patient for so long. I think four months is probably my breaking point.