ichoosefight | 94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Most people are horrible. Everyone can be horrible, if they haven't been driven to it yet.

What could you forgive? I don't think I know how. I don't know if I wish I did or not. It seems so stupid, letting people hurt you again.

Batman kept secrets from me so basic that without them I accidentally started a gang war that killed hundreds and resulted in my own torture. It was so bad I let my doctor fake my death and went to Africa for a year.

But it wasn't all his fault, and I get why he did it. I can forgive that. I just hate how he thinks he can control everyone.

Batman.

Is he the guy in room 17, level 4?

[Yeah, that's a little bit of gut-level fear, right there.]

Yeah, that's him.

[ But no, wait, that might be confusing! ]

Not the same Batman, though. We're from different universes.

How well do you know the one here? How similar are they? Has he been controlling too? He's one of the only people who's ever taken care of me but I'm terrified that if he's like that then he'll end up crushing me just like my dad did.

I feel like I know him better than he knows himself. He's the same, but kind of the opposite. He tries to push everyone away because he's afraid of seeing them hurt because of him. They're the same that way. But my Batman kept working with others and this one cut himself off.

He hasn't tried to push me away yet. Does that mean he doesn't care?

I don't know. Maybe it means that he's learning. Or maybe it means that he can't help liking you.

Will he act the same way, do you think? Making decisions and keeping me in the dark - I mean I already know he keeps a million secrets but I thought they just his own, would he keep things from me that were about me so that I couldn't argue with him thinking he knows best?

No, he was never that bad. The secrets Batman kept from me were secrets about himself, but they were things I should have known because I was working with him.

Okay. That's a little reassuring but I'm still scared I can't trust him as much as I hoped, and I think I want to take advantage of whatever is happening even if deliberately being honest with him is terrifying.

But thank you.

Normally I would say that taking advantage of a flood like this is wrong and you shouldn't do it but you seem really scared and if Bruce cares about you and you care about him then you should be honest with each other so I think it's okay in this instance.

I'd hate anyone doing to me, because I'm an awful manipulative person and I lie all the time.

But if he's the kind of man who's going to wreck my life later, then I don't care about betraying him, and if he isn't, hopefully he'll be glad that I can trust his assurances. Pascal's wager is an emphatic go. And I'm planning to try my best to keep him on topic. Direct questions seem to work pretty well.

...I'm really good at rationalizing.

You're very good. That makes a lot of sense. Unless he realizes that you're an awful manipulative person and he never trusts you again.

[ Comforting thought, no? ]

I know. That's why I'm scared.

But I'd rather risk that than being under someone's thumb again.

If you're willing to risk it then there's nothing else you can do. It's your choice entirely.

Wish me luck.

[The feed cuts out before Steph can reply again.]

94,31 - Self denial is old hat

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