94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[ichoosefight]

I know. I just want to believe that people are generally good, even though I live in Gotham and I see the opposite every day.

Either way, I don't want to be the one responsible for making that decision.

ffff browser >:|

[theonlyresponse]

It's a heavy one to make, but our job is to protect people. [Beat.] I want to believe that, Stephanie. I used to. I want to believe in Harvey Dent. Then Barbara got shot, Jason got killed, and I started seeing the body counts. How much of it could I have stopped if I'd acted sooner? How much of it piles up before we say enough is enough, there won't be any more?

[ichoosefight]

But why does it have to be you?

[ She looks at him with understanding in her eyes, but also sadness. She knows, she knows that leaving the Joker alive kills so many people, but this is too much for him. ]

Why can't the system just work and be fair and you don't have to be guilty because you didn't have to do it all yourself.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't care if it kills me. [Beat.] I don't care that it killed me. I just want all of you to be safe. I see you wearing the costumes... and it hurts. I don't want you out there fighting on my behalf, when you should be growing up, having a normal life, settling down, or doing whatever people who aren't us do. I look at you wearing the costumes and all I can see is myself finding you somewhere, too late to be of any help. I don't... I can't take it. I don't know what I'd do if it happened again. I'm afraid it will, because I know all of you. I don't want it to. The mission isn't worth more than your lives. My mission isn't.

[ichoosefight]

[ She wants to reach out, but she's not sure how. So instead she hugs her arms over her chest. ]

I care. My mom didn't leave my dad, Bruce, I never had a chance at a normal life. If I die it won't be for the mission, it'll be for what I believe in. That's more than I ever would have had without the mask.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't want you to die at all. [Flat and without conviction, like he's playing an old record that won't shut up.

He checks the chocolate. It's nearly done.] I wish there was another way.

[ichoosefight]

Everyone dies eventually. I love being Batgirl. I loved being Spoiler. I don't want another way.

[theonlyresponse]

[He moves over and hugs her.] But I do. I don't know if that's selfish.

[ichoosefight]

[ She gives him a squeeze in return. It's not nearly as strange to her now. ]

You don't want me to get hurt. That's not selfish. Selfish would be trying to force me to stop, like Tim did, and the Bruce in my world.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't think I could, because you've made up your mind. [He pulls away so he can look at her.] That doesn't mean I approve.

[ichoosefight]

I may appreciate your love but I don't need your approval. Even if I want it a little bit despite myself.

[theonlyresponse]

Okay. You can have a little bit. [A genuine smile, if a little pained.] I think I can do that much.

[ichoosefight]

[ That startles a laugh out of her, and she hugs him tight again. ]

I like you better than the Bruce from my world. Does that make me a bad person?

[theonlyresponse]

[Hugs back, tight.] I don't want to be him. From what I've heard, I don't think I'd like that at all. But I can't see any other way I could ever leave. [Beat.] I... don't want to leave. I have a family here. That's so much more than what I had at home.

[ichoosefight]

You could go somewhere else. You could go anywhere you want, but staying here will only make you miserable.

[theonlyresponse]

I'd only be miserable if the ship was making the rest of you miserable too.

[ichoosefight]

It would, and it will. That's why I'm leaving as soon as I can go without feeling overwhelmingly guilty.

[ A beat. ]

I think the cocoa is ready.

[theonlyresponse]

You shouldn't feel guilty at all about wanting to leave. [Beat.] It is. I haven't had hot chocolate in a long time. [Pours it into the mugs.]

[ichoosefight]

Let's sit on the couch, it's more comfortable than the table. [ She heads over there, putting out two coasters and waiting for him to bring the drinks. ]

I don't want to leave the people I care about or the people who need me.

[theonlyresponse]

[He puts one on her coaster, and blows on his own, gently. Then, he sits down next to her.] Dick said the same thing. I'm beginning to think all of you should just leave at the same time.

[ichoosefight]

It wouldn't work. I've got inmates I care about too.

[ She picks up the mug and cradles it while she blows on it. It's comforting while she asks her next question. ]

Do you still want to hear about the gang war?

[theonlyresponse]

Yes, I do.

[ichoosefight]

Okay. Well, it's a long story so feel free to interrupt. It started when Batman fired me because he told me to stay in the plane and I thought he was in trouble so I went to help and the assassin he was fighting grabbed me and he had to let her go. There were two rules, I didn't learn any big secrets until I was off probation and if I ever disobeyed an order I was out. So I was out. I didn't think he would honestly do it, but he did. I wanted to prove to him that he was wrong about me and that I could do what he did so I got on the computer before I left and stole one his war plans.

[ This much comes out quickly enough that it barely registers with Steph on an emotional level. But the next part is worse, and it's harder to say, so she pauses. ]

[theonlyresponse]

Dick and Jason disobeyed orders all the time. That's not grounds to fire you. [Beat.] There's a lot of war plans. Which one?

[ichoosefight]

[ And yet, he did. What makes her different? She doesn't really want to know. ]

The idea was to gather all the gang leaders in Gotham under one person, a person Batman could control. It was supposed to be Matches Malone, but I didn't know he was just Batman in disguise.