ichoosefight | 94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

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Spending time with people is good. It's a way to learn and grow and it can really help when you're depressed and we can maybe help convince you that life is worth living.

I think I have to convince myself on my own. Or I want to, but I know that's not really the best idea for me. I don't like being alone even if I'm used to it.

I think you only get worse when you're on your own, but nobody can convince you to live your life but you. We can help, though, if you let us.

I don't know how to let you.

Just listen when we talk, even if you pretend you won't.

I think I can manage that. Anything else?

Try not to be too hard on yourself. I think you forget sometimes that you're allowed to be human.

[Smiles sadly.] I don't think that's going to change easily.

I don't expect it to, that's why I said 'try'.

Mm. [He gives her one last hug, and then breaks away to finish his hot chocolate.] Thanks for this. I needed it even if afterwards I'm going to pretend it never happened.

[ She lets him go and reaches for her own now-cold cocoa again. ]

I wish you wouldn't. Even if it was partly flood-induced I shared a big part of my life with you and I can't just pretend that didn't happen.

[WHAT ARE FEELINGS.] I'll be here if you need to talk about it again, but I personally usually advise hitting something.

I don't really talk about it anymore. I just tell people who ought to know and have nightmares and Kon holds me if I wake up screaming.

[ Something horrible, obviously. ]

I feel like you wouldn't have told me if it hadn't been for this flood, which makes me feel bad for taking advantage of it like this - except I did mean what I said about wanting to know, because I wanted to help you, if I could.

I would have eventually, probably. But I'm glad that I did. Even if it hurts, I want to trust you, and I want you to trust me.

I do trust you. It's hard for me to do that, but I do. I wish you wouldn't trust me in return. I don't understand why you do it. I'm unreliable. I've been that way for a long time.

You're not that unreliable. You're actually pretty consistent, even if I don't like the way you make decisions.

I don't like the way I make decisions, either. Somebody has to do it, but that doesn't mean I can't change a few things.

Then change it. You're the only one who can.

I don't know if it's even worth the effort.

Is it worth the effort to make the people you care about happy?

What would make them happy?

Making yourself happy. Making a change. Graduating.

I don't think I have a right to be happy.

What about us? The people who care about you? Don't we have a right to be happy? If your happiness means our happiness how could that be wrong?

(no subject)

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TW suicidal ideation

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