94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

/clings

[theonlyresponse]

You tried. The rest is on him. [He allows himself a small, nostalgic smile when thinking of Leslie.] She's right. Impulses are different from actions.

/holds

[ichoosefight]

And perceptions are different from reality, especially when you're depressed. Just because you think someone hates you doesn't mean they do.

[theonlyresponse]

It would be easier if they did. [His shoulder slump.]

[ichoosefight]

Giving up would be easier. Life's not supposed to be easy. That's what makes it worth while.

TW again suicide :|

[theonlyresponse]

I agree it isn't easy, but I don't know if it's worthwhile anymore.

[ichoosefight]

It is. I promise it is. [ She snakes her arms around him to give him a squeeze. ]

You have people who care about you and want you to be happy.

[theonlyresponse]

You can say it all you want, but I think I need to go through something horrific before that sinks in. [Smiles sadly.] I never did learn the easy way.

[ichoosefight]

Sitting here listening to me cry wasn't horrific enough?

[ She manages a smile now, in spite of herself. ]

[theonlyresponse]

No! Why would anyone think that?

[ichoosefight]

I feel like I'm dropping my past on your shoulders, and it's not a pretty one.

[theonlyresponse]

What kind of monster would I be if I decided not to listen when you clearly needed someone?

[ichoosefight]

The kind you claim to be, probably.

[theonlyresponse]

It -- [GUH STEPH WHY] No. That's different. Is it? I don't know.

[congrats he's actually confused]

[ichoosefight]

It's not really. People aren't monsters because of what they do, they're monsters because of the reasons they do it.

[theonlyresponse]

I did it for the wrong reasons. Even if I can show you kindness now, that doesn't change what I am.

[ichoosefight]

I started a gang war because I wanted to prove myself. Is that the right reason?

[theonlyresponse]

You made one mistake. That happens.

[ichoosefight]

I made the same mistake over and over again. People can learn.

[theonlyresponse]

Some people. Not me.

[ichoosefight]

You've already learned a lot. Look at us now. We're sitting in Kon's and my living room having hot chocolate and talking about our feelings. Not all of that is because of the flood.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't really like talking about my feelings. I might have done it eventually on my own terms, but I don't enjoy doing it like this. [Sigh.] Then again, enjoying it isn't something the Admiral cares about.

[ichoosefight]

The flood didn't make you have hot chocolate with me.

[theonlyresponse]

No, I did that because I wanted to spend time with you.

[ichoosefight]

There you go. That's an improvement already.

[theonlyresponse]

How is it an improvement?