94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[ichoosefight]

They just hang there, so isn't that exactly what they do?

[ But. Technicalities. She turns back to the door almost questioning. ]

Kon is wonderful. And he's really good for me. He makes me feel special.

[theonlyresponse]

Yes. It's comforting. [He follows her towards the door.] I'm glad. You deserve it.

[ichoosefight]

If you say so. Anyway I don't think I could talk about this with him there. He saw parts of it when somebody made us all share our dreams and it really upsets him too.

[ she shoves her hands in her pockets once they're out the door. No reason not to talk while they walk. ]

[theonlyresponse]

How did you end up sharing dreams?

[ichoosefight]

We never found out for sure but I'm pretty sure it was one of the psychics. That was a very weird week, even by barge standards.

[theonlyresponse]

I'm glad I wasn't here for it. I don't like the idea of anyone in my mind.

[ichoosefight]

I didn't like it much either. I hated that anyone but me got to see my worst nightmares and my dreams. But Kon was so sweet about it, he just made it okay. And that was before we even started dating.

[theonlyresponse]

That's good. What did you dream about?

[ichoosefight]

Mostly I dream about my mistakes. About that time Ulysses killed two kids and tried to blow up a whole street because I was supposed to make Tim a 'better Robin', or about the gang war. Sometimes I dream about Africa and it's really nice. I think Tim and Dick saw me dreaming about having another kid, and us going to the fair together. That one is my favorite, I've been having it from time to time since my dad drugged me with Black Mercy.

[theonlyresponse]

Another kid? [Beat.] You've had one? What happened?

[ichoosefight]

I had to give her away. I was fifteen and my dad was still terrorizing the family and I was in high school and there just wasn't any way to make it work. The dad ran out on me before he even knew.

[theonlyresponse]

[His expression softens, and he squeezes her shoulder gently.] You must miss her a lot. Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you'd found a way to make it work?

[ichoosefight]

Yeah, I do. [ She looks at him, her expression obviously pained but very serious. ]

She would be miserable. Her grandfather would use her as bait in his stupid games and her mother would be working minimum wage at a burger shack. I couldn't do that to a child.

[theonlyresponse]

I know. You made the right decision, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to miss her or despise the circumstances that led you to make it.

[Squeezes her shoulder again, before his arm falls back to his side.]

[ichoosefight]

I try not to think about it too often. With Kon around I think we could keep a kid safe from the Cluemaster.

[theonlyresponse]

I'm sure you can. I wish there was a way to make sure he'd leave you alone more permanently, and I don't mean kill him.

[ichoosefight]

Yeah, me too. I feel awful for saying it but I liked it better when he was dead.

[theonlyresponse]

I do too. Maybe I shouldn't have killed so many people but you can't deny the world is a much less dangerous place. It's why I'm having so much trouble trying to figure out what the better way is. Why should I fix something that worked, even if it destroyed me? I'd rather suffer than let someone else die needlessly because Arkham couldn't keep its patients secure enough.

[ichoosefight]

I don't really know. But I don't think he deserves to die. Maybe the solution is a more effective rehabilitation than prison.

[ They're reaching her room now, and she opens the door for him. There's a kitchen and an office immediately attached, and a second door with a photograph of Steph and Kon at the beach taped on the front. It's from the Risa port. ]

[theonlyresponse]

If that's the case maybe there should be more of these ships. They seem to work in certain cases, they might work for him.

[He glances at the photograph but his gaze doesn't linger there, instead, he looks around the room before heading to the kitchen.] Where do you keep the hot chocolate?

[ichoosefight]

It's in the cabinet above the stove.

[ She closes the door behind him. ]

I'm terrified by the idea that my dad might show up here. At least when Black Mask showed up I knew where I stood.

[theonlyresponse]

[He takes it out and starts preparing to make some.] The Admiral likes to mess with us by doing that. Dick told me the Joker was here. [He frowns.] That monster can't be changed. He's not crazy. He knows exactly what he's doing, and he keeps doing it. Just like Cain.

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph moves across the kitchen behind him and pulls out two mugs. ]

My friend Claire was his warden. Nygma was Roman's. They make me believe that not everyone can be redeemed. I really hate that about them.

[theonlyresponse]

[He looks at her.] Not everyone can be. Sometimes there's no other option. It's why we have a death penalty.

[ichoosefight]

I know. I just want to believe that people are generally good, even though I live in Gotham and I see the opposite every day.

Either way, I don't want to be the one responsible for making that decision.