94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[ichoosefight]

[ She offers him a weak smile, still sniffling. Not caring that they're in the hall. ]

You'll graduate. I know you will.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't think I will. [Reaches into his pocket for Bat-tissue. Don't ask, Steph. It's just there. If his utility belt could leave the cave he'd wear it everywhere.]

[ichoosefight]

[ Oh she is familiar with the magic that is the utility belt. She shakes her head at his response though. ]

We could argue about it all day and not get anywhere.

[theonlyresponse]

I'd rather not argue. One of us will have to change our opinion and it's not going to happen today. [He looks at her quizzically.] Do you want another hug? I could use one.

[ichoosefight]

[ She nods, still wiping her face clean. ] I could use another hug. I get really emotional whenever I talk about Africa and the gang war.

[theonlyresponse]

[She gets one.] I want to ask but I'm not sure if you'd feel comfortable telling me. I'd like to help you feel better, if I can.

[ichoosefight]

[ She rests her head on his chest. It's strange to be hugging Bruce Wayne, but strange in a nice way. She's glad they had this talk. ]

I probably would be if you really wanted to know. It was a long time ago and only time will make it any better now. It's one of those things that never really goes away.

[theonlyresponse]

Come inside. [He extricates himself gently and opens the door a little wider for her to enter.]

[ichoosefight]

[ And she lets him go, passing him into the cave for what feels like a second first time. ]

Do you have any hot chocolate?

[theonlyresponse]

[Looks extremely embarrassed.] No, I don't. Maybe we should go to your room instead.

[ichoosefight]

It would probably be more comfortable than a dank cave full of bats. [ Just sayin'. ]

Kon shouldn't be in.

[theonlyresponse]

I like the bats. They don't watch you do something you'll regret, do nothing to stop you, and then refuse to intervene when it's clear you're out of control. [Beat.] Kon... I suppose he's all right.

[ichoosefight]

They just hang there, so isn't that exactly what they do?

[ But. Technicalities. She turns back to the door almost questioning. ]

Kon is wonderful. And he's really good for me. He makes me feel special.

[theonlyresponse]

Yes. It's comforting. [He follows her towards the door.] I'm glad. You deserve it.

[ichoosefight]

If you say so. Anyway I don't think I could talk about this with him there. He saw parts of it when somebody made us all share our dreams and it really upsets him too.

[ she shoves her hands in her pockets once they're out the door. No reason not to talk while they walk. ]

[theonlyresponse]

How did you end up sharing dreams?

[ichoosefight]

We never found out for sure but I'm pretty sure it was one of the psychics. That was a very weird week, even by barge standards.

[theonlyresponse]

I'm glad I wasn't here for it. I don't like the idea of anyone in my mind.

[ichoosefight]

I didn't like it much either. I hated that anyone but me got to see my worst nightmares and my dreams. But Kon was so sweet about it, he just made it okay. And that was before we even started dating.

[theonlyresponse]

That's good. What did you dream about?

[ichoosefight]

Mostly I dream about my mistakes. About that time Ulysses killed two kids and tried to blow up a whole street because I was supposed to make Tim a 'better Robin', or about the gang war. Sometimes I dream about Africa and it's really nice. I think Tim and Dick saw me dreaming about having another kid, and us going to the fair together. That one is my favorite, I've been having it from time to time since my dad drugged me with Black Mercy.

[theonlyresponse]

Another kid? [Beat.] You've had one? What happened?

[ichoosefight]

I had to give her away. I was fifteen and my dad was still terrorizing the family and I was in high school and there just wasn't any way to make it work. The dad ran out on me before he even knew.

[theonlyresponse]

[His expression softens, and he squeezes her shoulder gently.] You must miss her a lot. Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you'd found a way to make it work?

[ichoosefight]

Yeah, I do. [ She looks at him, her expression obviously pained but very serious. ]

She would be miserable. Her grandfather would use her as bait in his stupid games and her mother would be working minimum wage at a burger shack. I couldn't do that to a child.