94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[ichoosefight]

Oh, I knew that first part. It's really obvious how much you're repressing and how your silence is just you running away from the things you don't want to face.

That last part is actually kinda endearing. It's sweet that you care so much. And you know, the only reason I didn't shoot Black Mask in his stupid ugly face was because I was afraid Batman and Robin would never forgive me, and at that point that seemed more important than surviving.

If he weren't already dead I would probably go for it and claim temporary insanity.

[theonlyresponse]

I'm not strong enough to face them. The rest of you were always the resilient ones. Sometimes when I'm alone I think you judge me for being afraid.

I do care. I don't know how to express it in a way that other people understand.

Your survival is more important than anything else. I'm sorry you were hurt. I probably would have broken half the bones in his body if he judged you for acting in self defence.

[ichoosefight]

I could never judge anyone for being afraid. Maybe it's doing what we do despite being afraid that makes us heroes. That sounds like something a Green Lantern would say, anyway.

[ Another breath. The sound of her shifting. Her voice turns a little strained. ]

I don't think he would have, but I was really messed up and I hated myself so much after what happened it was hard to imagine that anyone else could feel any differently.

[theonlyresponse]

I never really liked Green Lanterns. Arrogant jerks.

It wasn't your fault. I'm sure you tried your best, even if you think that might not have been the case. You're a wonderful person. You prove to people that there's something out there stronger than despair or grief. You've proved that to me. I can't see how anyone would be angry at you when you went through so much by yourself. No one should have to do that alone.

I'm glad you're not alone now. I am, and it hurts more than I want to admit.

[ichoosefight]

I wasn't alone, even though I wanted to be. I had Leslie. And you're not alone either. [ And here her voice cracks. ]

I'm sorry, I'm crying now because it's strange to hear people talk about me like that and to feel so loved, and it's really confusing because you're Batman and I always tell myself that I don't need Batman's love because I'm my own person but it still feels really good.

[ She sniffles, quietly. ]

But I was going to say you're not alone. If nothing else you've got me.

[theonlyresponse]

I'll always give it to you even when I'm not sure how to, so I can say at least I did something that made you happy, because I don't know if I can make it to your wedding.

Stephanie, I'm alone. I don't know why you keep insisting I'm a good person, or why you think I'm worth your time. I'm not. I'm selfish, angry, and spiteful. That's all I know how to do and I don't think that's ever going to change.

I've done nothing to deserve redemption. I can't leave this ship. It's hell.

THIS HAS ALL BEEN PRIVATE nothing to see here move along

[ichoosefight]

Because I believe in you. I believe in Batman. It's all I know how to do. I have to have hope because if I don't then I would just fall apart and collapse under the weight of my whole goddamned life.

If you can still make people happy then you can still get off of this stupid ship. If I can find love in hell you can find redemption.

SO VERY PRIVATE shoo

[theonlyresponse]

I'm not Batman anymore. I don't have any claim to that symbol or the principles it stands for. I betrayed that a long time ago. I didn't want to admit it because I don't know who to be without it.

I think your faith is better placed in someone else. I can't be trusted with it.

[ichoosefight]

Probably not, but you have it anyway. It's okay if you don't graduate. I just want you to because I don't think you deserve to keep suffering like this.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't mind.

I hate watching the rest of you have to put up with it. That's much worse than anything the ship has done to me.

[ichoosefight]

I don't understand how you can think you're so selfish when you care so much about what happens to other people.

[theonlyresponse]

I didn't act the way I did when I was alive because it was the right thing to do. Doesn't that make me selfish?

[ichoosefight]

That makes you human. Which is kind of the same, but not really.

[theonlyresponse]

I'm not supposed to be fallible.

But I am, aren't I? I wish I knew how to reconcile that.

[ichoosefight]

I wish I had an answer for you, but I really just want to hug you. Would that be okay?

[theonlyresponse]

That's acceptable. I'm in the cave.

[ichoosefight]

I'll be there in a minute.

[ She wipes her eyes before setting out.

She really hopes the cave is still his room and not like the CTS or something. ]

[theonlyresponse]

[He's cracked open the heavy door, peering outside for when she comes along.]

[ichoosefight]

[ She rushes along when she sees the door cracked, ready to shove the door open and throw her arms around him. Her cheeks are still wet. She doesn't care. ]

[theonlyresponse]

[She gets a tight hug, before he raises a hand to wipe the tears, if there's any.]

[ichoosefight]

[ She offers him a weak smile, still sniffling. Not caring that they're in the hall. ]

You'll graduate. I know you will.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't think I will. [Reaches into his pocket for Bat-tissue. Don't ask, Steph. It's just there. If his utility belt could leave the cave he'd wear it everywhere.]

[ichoosefight]

[ Oh she is familiar with the magic that is the utility belt. She shakes her head at his response though. ]

We could argue about it all day and not get anywhere.

[theonlyresponse]

I'd rather not argue. One of us will have to change our opinion and it's not going to happen today. [He looks at her quizzically.] Do you want another hug? I could use one.

[ichoosefight]

[ She nods, still wiping her face clean. ] I could use another hug. I get really emotional whenever I talk about Africa and the gang war.