94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[ichoosefight]

I'm not a saint. I'm not even really a hero. Hundreds of people are dead because of me. I'm just trying to do something right with my life.

[buildindreemz]

You've dedicated your life to helping others. Plus you feel guilty about every little bad thing you've done, I'm sure.

I rarely feel guilty, and I certainly don't care enough to want to help all people, all the time.

[ichoosefight]

The bad things I've done aren't little. I started a gang war. I let everyone I love think I was dead for a whole year. I hired an assassin to 'scare' Robin and two kids got killed and almost a lot of other people. And then there's poor Clancy, who got killed by some stupid kids in super suits because he wanted to help me.

How do you stay here and do this if you don't care about helping people at all? Is your deal really that good?

[buildindreemz]

Some of that sounds pretty nasty, but uh, I don't think you should feel guilty for choices that other people make involving you. I mean, kind of offensive to them, if you ask me.

And I didn't say I don't care about anyone. I just don't care about everyone, all the time. I want to help Rex. I just don't have the energy or interest to constantly be concerned about everyone.

[ichoosefight]

I didn't take him seriously, and I should have been there. Instead I left and he got killed. He never chose to die.

That's better than nothing, I guess.

[buildindreemz]

Still not on you. Unless you killed him with your own hand, it's the fault of whoever killed him. And if it was an accident, then it was an accident. They happen.

I think I'm pretty normal that way. I mean, I don't think it's possible for most people to worry that much about everyone. Sure, I give to charity when I can and stuff. No one person can fix the whole world.

[ichoosefight]

[ A brief pause. ] Yeah, you're right, and I think I really needed to hear that. I still wish I had been there though, and I'm still using my deal to brig him back.

Mostly I care about the people around me.

[buildindreemz]

I understand. We all have stuff we regret, but you shouldn't let it eat you up. Cobb let it eat him up and it almost drove him insane.

Sure, we all do. I care about Arthur, and Cobb. My deal is for Cobb. And I care about Rex, and a few other people here.

[ichoosefight]

I try not to. I've actually gotten really good at it since I came back from Africa.

It's not so different in Gotham. My friends are there, and my mother, and when crime is rampant they get hurt.

[buildindreemz]

I guess that's a good enough reason to want to keep them safe, though I'd probably still try to find a way to move them somewhere else if it was that bad.

[ichoosefight]

It's not that simple. There's my mom's job, and money, and my friends who can't afford to move away and their families too. If I quit the vigilante thing I might move away, but that won't be for a while.

[buildindreemz]

Oh, I know it's always complicated. I'm very privileged, but I've been on my own long enough to know the money trouble thing is always a kick in the stomach.

I do admire you all, though. Not in a "I want to be like you" way, but just in the example you're setting to be nicer in general, I guess.

[ichoosefight]

That's the real trouble with Gotham. The people who really need to get out don't have the means.

I like to think I could do that without being a masked vigilante.

[buildindreemz]

I think theoretically anyone could do that, without being a masked vigilante.

[ichoosefight]

Theoretically, but sometimes I really feel like it's the vigilante thing that gives me worth and not the intention behind it.

[buildindreemz]

Frankly, I think most things are at least sixty percent intentions. Especially after all this time on the Barge.

[ichoosefight]

I think it's more like 60% action, because the intention without the action doesn't do a whole lot of good. None, in the long run.

[buildindreemz]

And yet, some people here have done some pretty terrible things, but if they did them for the right reasons...

[ichoosefight]

Then it's still a mistake and they should still feel bad about it. I gave up my child for the right reasons but I still feel awful, and that's not even such a terrible thing unless you're me.

[buildindreemz]

Of course. I'm not saying people should remorselessly do those terrible things.

You shouldn't feel bad for doing the best thing for your child, but on the other hand, I'd be a little concerned if you didn't.

[ichoosefight]

The point is good intentions don't make up for bad actions. You have to do that yourself.

[buildindreemz]

Maybe. I'd say it depends on the circumstances, but you superhero types are always so weird to talk to. It's not that I don't like you, it's just strange.

[ichoosefight]

I think it's probably because some of the decisions we make are on a very large scale and most of our mistakes are life and death.

[buildindreemz]

That's true. Maybe that's why I don't get you guys. I don't get anyone who would choose to put that burden on themselves.

[ichoosefight]

It's weirdly addictive. I guess it's just a personality type.