94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[theonlyresponse]

You're not crazy.

I think you're very sweet but I'm too afraid to tell you this because you might leave me like everyone else did.

[bodilesswarrior]

If we weren't all a bit crazy when we started I think we are now. ...That could mean being a Warden or a vigilante, really.

And yes, leeches were used in ancient Rome. They've made a comeback in modern medicine, actually.

[buildindreemz]

I think you have to be a little crazy - or just desperate - to make a deal to come here. I admire everyone who makes this system work for them, because it's not a very good one.

[greenarrowed]

Sounds like you're serving a broken system. [AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO FIX IT >|]

[hungryanhorny]

Pretty sure we're all insane, BG.

Least you I actually like.

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

Roman medicine was alright. I mean, they had leeches, yes, but they used basic anesthetics and boiled their implements first for surgery, and used vinegar acid to wash out wounds, which worked as a rudimentary disinfectant. You're probably thinking of medieval medicine, which was terrible.

Now I'm embarrassed because that probably sounded unbearably pretentious but I've never had any friends so I read a lot and I use knowledge to make up for all my other inadequacies. The leeches were just a metaphor, but I was avoiding your actual point because it struck a nerve with me.

You're right that there's not really any difference. Everyone is messed up and everyone does unforgivable things and the only meaningful difference between wardens and inmates is power.

But I still think you're a better person that I am, because that distresses you. You want things to be fair, you want to make them okay, for the people you care about, instead of just hurting them to get want you want. I'm jealous.

Private.

[an_abomination]

Don't forget about our promise. If you go home and you don't return, or you return a different person, then I'll use my deal to restore your memories of being here.