ichoosefight | 94,31 - Self denial is old hat

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94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

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I know, and that's a little comforting but it still scares me and I don't want to risk it.

I wish there was something I could do, I hate that being here is so hard for you.

You could finish here faster so that we could both leave but I don't really see that happening and I'm starting to worry that I'm going to have to leave before you do.

If you do then...we'll find a way through it. At least time won't go by for you, while I finish up here.

I'm afraid if I go you'll think I don't love you and you'll find someone else. I know it's stupid but I still think about it.

What? No way! There's no denying that being here without you will be hard, maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it's because I love you and want the best for you, that I'd find a way to be okay with it. You deserve to get away from here, see your mom, and turn in that paper.

It feels so selfish because I know hardly any time will pass for me and I kind of want that to happen because then it would be over faster. I don't want to seem controlling but I just want to take you home with me.

Do you think Doyle is getting close to graduating?

I do, but I've thought that before and I'm not really that confident in my assessment.

[Sighs.] I'm torn. On the one hand, I want to stay here, get an Inmate, and change things. On the other hand, I don't want to be here without you. If he graduates in the next couple of months, are you going home?

I don't know. It depends what happens between then and now.

Maybe.

This is depressing.

It is. Can we talk about something else?

I think I want to be by myself for awhile, if that's okay. It sounds like it's something I need to get used to. [The emo, it is rising.]

I'm hurt, and I'd really like to spend time with you but I'll respect your request to be left alone.

That makes two of us. I'm trying to respect and support whatever it is you want to do, it's just hard to be objective about it now that my emotions are kicking in.

If you ask me to stay I will. I would rather be miserable here than lose you.

I don't want you to be miserable. I-I need to go for awhile. We'll talk more later, okay?

It's not really okay, but go.

I don't know if sticking around while I'm upset will help. It hurts knowing that staying here with me would make you miserable.

Being with you would be one of the only good parts. Having to see the things this place does to us is what makes me miserable.

I know, but honestly...I think this place isn't half as bad as other places. Like my world or your world. I'm afraid you're going to get seriously hurt or worse in your world. It sounds like such a dangerous place.

There's no constant invasion of privacy, and I always know who I am, and there isn't a constant stream of people demanding things from me that I can't give them and then striking out when I don't. I know how to deal with my world long term. This one keeps wearing me down. And I'm afraid if we both keep coming up with reasons to stay we'll never leave.

Where are you? In our room?

Yeah, I'm cleaning up the mugs from Bruce's visit.

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