ichoosefight | 94,31 - Self denial is old hat

You're not crazy.

I think you're very sweet but I'm too afraid to tell you this because you might leave me like everyone else did.

Edited (words :V) 2013-01-31 19:36 (UTC)

I don't like texting, it feels so constricting and I never know if people are actually laughing at my jokes.

But it's funny you should say that, because I think if you were the Batman to my Robin things never would have gone the way they did, and I never would have had to leave in the first place.

Texting is distant and objective. I like to pretend I'm objective even though some of my decisions are clearly based on my emotions because if I started questioning my own judgements I would collapse under the weight of my hypocrisy and guilt.

If I'd picked you to be my next Robin my life would have improved considerably. I wish I'd done that.

I've been wanting to ask who hurt you so I can make sure they never do it again, but I don't think you'd like me killing someone for that reason even if I personally have no issues with it.

Oh, I knew that first part. It's really obvious how much you're repressing and how your silence is just you running away from the things you don't want to face.

That last part is actually kinda endearing. It's sweet that you care so much. And you know, the only reason I didn't shoot Black Mask in his stupid ugly face was because I was afraid Batman and Robin would never forgive me, and at that point that seemed more important than surviving.

If he weren't already dead I would probably go for it and claim temporary insanity.

I'm not strong enough to face them. The rest of you were always the resilient ones. Sometimes when I'm alone I think you judge me for being afraid.

I do care. I don't know how to express it in a way that other people understand.

Your survival is more important than anything else. I'm sorry you were hurt. I probably would have broken half the bones in his body if he judged you for acting in self defence.

I could never judge anyone for being afraid. Maybe it's doing what we do despite being afraid that makes us heroes. That sounds like something a Green Lantern would say, anyway.

[ Another breath. The sound of her shifting. Her voice turns a little strained. ]

I don't think he would have, but I was really messed up and I hated myself so much after what happened it was hard to imagine that anyone else could feel any differently.

I never really liked Green Lanterns. Arrogant jerks.

It wasn't your fault. I'm sure you tried your best, even if you think that might not have been the case. You're a wonderful person. You prove to people that there's something out there stronger than despair or grief. You've proved that to me. I can't see how anyone would be angry at you when you went through so much by yourself. No one should have to do that alone.

I'm glad you're not alone now. I am, and it hurts more than I want to admit.

I wasn't alone, even though I wanted to be. I had Leslie. And you're not alone either. [ And here her voice cracks. ]

I'm sorry, I'm crying now because it's strange to hear people talk about me like that and to feel so loved, and it's really confusing because you're Batman and I always tell myself that I don't need Batman's love because I'm my own person but it still feels really good.

[ She sniffles, quietly. ]

But I was going to say you're not alone. If nothing else you've got me.

Edited 2013-01-31 20:51 (UTC)

I'll always give it to you even when I'm not sure how to, so I can say at least I did something that made you happy, because I don't know if I can make it to your wedding.

Stephanie, I'm alone. I don't know why you keep insisting I'm a good person, or why you think I'm worth your time. I'm not. I'm selfish, angry, and spiteful. That's all I know how to do and I don't think that's ever going to change.

I've done nothing to deserve redemption. I can't leave this ship. It's hell.

Because I believe in you. I believe in Batman. It's all I know how to do. I have to have hope because if I don't then I would just fall apart and collapse under the weight of my whole goddamned life.

If you can still make people happy then you can still get off of this stupid ship. If I can find love in hell you can find redemption.

I'm not Batman anymore. I don't have any claim to that symbol or the principles it stands for. I betrayed that a long time ago. I didn't want to admit it because I don't know who to be without it.

I think your faith is better placed in someone else. I can't be trusted with it.

Probably not, but you have it anyway. It's okay if you don't graduate. I just want you to because I don't think you deserve to keep suffering like this.

I don't mind.

I hate watching the rest of you have to put up with it. That's much worse than anything the ship has done to me.

I don't understand how you can think you're so selfish when you care so much about what happens to other people.

I didn't act the way I did when I was alive because it was the right thing to do. Doesn't that make me selfish?

That makes you human. Which is kind of the same, but not really.

I'm not supposed to be fallible.

But I am, aren't I? I wish I knew how to reconcile that.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I really just want to hug you. Would that be okay?

That's acceptable. I'm in the cave.

I'll be there in a minute.

[ She wipes her eyes before setting out.

She really hopes the cave is still his room and not like the CTS or something. ]

[He's cracked open the heavy door, peering outside for when she comes along.]

[ She rushes along when she sees the door cracked, ready to shove the door open and throw her arms around him. Her cheeks are still wet. She doesn't care. ]

[She gets a tight hug, before he raises a hand to wipe the tears, if there's any.]

[ She offers him a weak smile, still sniffling. Not caring that they're in the hall. ]

You'll graduate. I know you will.

I don't think I will. [Reaches into his pocket for Bat-tissue. Don't ask, Steph. It's just there. If his utility belt could leave the cave he'd wear it everywhere.]

[ Oh she is familiar with the magic that is the utility belt. She shakes her head at his response though. ]

We could argue about it all day and not get anywhere.

Edited (dreamwidth what) 2013-01-31 22:01 (UTC)

I'd rather not argue. One of us will have to change our opinion and it's not going to happen today. [He looks at her quizzically.] Do you want another hug? I could use one.

[ She nods, still wiping her face clean. ] I could use another hug. I get really emotional whenever I talk about Africa and the gang war.

[She gets one.] I want to ask but I'm not sure if you'd feel comfortable telling me. I'd like to help you feel better, if I can.

[ She rests her head on his chest. It's strange to be hugging Bruce Wayne, but strange in a nice way. She's glad they had this talk. ]

I probably would be if you really wanted to know. It was a long time ago and only time will make it any better now. It's one of those things that never really goes away.

Come inside. [He extricates himself gently and opens the door a little wider for her to enter.]

[ And she lets him go, passing him into the cave for what feels like a second first time. ]

Do you have any hot chocolate?

[Looks extremely embarrassed.] No, I don't. Maybe we should go to your room instead.

It would probably be more comfortable than a dank cave full of bats. [ Just sayin'. ]

Kon shouldn't be in.

I like the bats. They don't watch you do something you'll regret, do nothing to stop you, and then refuse to intervene when it's clear you're out of control. [Beat.] Kon... I suppose he's all right.

They just hang there, so isn't that exactly what they do?

[ But. Technicalities. She turns back to the door almost questioning. ]

Kon is wonderful. And he's really good for me. He makes me feel special.

Yes. It's comforting. [He follows her towards the door.] I'm glad. You deserve it.

If you say so. Anyway I don't think I could talk about this with him there. He saw parts of it when somebody made us all share our dreams and it really upsets him too.

[ she shoves her hands in her pockets once they're out the door. No reason not to talk while they walk. ]

How did you end up sharing dreams?

We never found out for sure but I'm pretty sure it was one of the psychics. That was a very weird week, even by barge standards.

I'm glad I wasn't here for it. I don't like the idea of anyone in my mind.

I didn't like it much either. I hated that anyone but me got to see my worst nightmares and my dreams. But Kon was so sweet about it, he just made it okay. And that was before we even started dating.

That's good. What did you dream about?

Mostly I dream about my mistakes. About that time Ulysses killed two kids and tried to blow up a whole street because I was supposed to make Tim a 'better Robin', or about the gang war. Sometimes I dream about Africa and it's really nice. I think Tim and Dick saw me dreaming about having another kid, and us going to the fair together. That one is my favorite, I've been having it from time to time since my dad drugged me with Black Mercy.

Another kid? [Beat.] You've had one? What happened?

I had to give her away. I was fifteen and my dad was still terrorizing the family and I was in high school and there just wasn't any way to make it work. The dad ran out on me before he even knew.

[His expression softens, and he squeezes her shoulder gently.] You must miss her a lot. Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you'd found a way to make it work?

Yeah, I do. [ She looks at him, her expression obviously pained but very serious. ]

She would be miserable. Her grandfather would use her as bait in his stupid games and her mother would be working minimum wage at a burger shack. I couldn't do that to a child.

I know. You made the right decision, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to miss her or despise the circumstances that led you to make it.

[Squeezes her shoulder again, before his arm falls back to his side.]

I try not to think about it too often. With Kon around I think we could keep a kid safe from the Cluemaster.

I'm sure you can. I wish there was a way to make sure he'd leave you alone more permanently, and I don't mean kill him.

Yeah, me too. I feel awful for saying it but I liked it better when he was dead.

I do too. Maybe I shouldn't have killed so many people but you can't deny the world is a much less dangerous place. It's why I'm having so much trouble trying to figure out what the better way is. Why should I fix something that worked, even if it destroyed me? I'd rather suffer than let someone else die needlessly because Arkham couldn't keep its patients secure enough.

I don't really know. But I don't think he deserves to die. Maybe the solution is a more effective rehabilitation than prison.

[ They're reaching her room now, and she opens the door for him. There's a kitchen and an office immediately attached, and a second door with a photograph of Steph and Kon at the beach taped on the front. It's from the Risa port. ]

If that's the case maybe there should be more of these ships. They seem to work in certain cases, they might work for him.

[He glances at the photograph but his gaze doesn't linger there, instead, he looks around the room before heading to the kitchen.] Where do you keep the hot chocolate?

It's in the cabinet above the stove.

[ She closes the door behind him. ]

I'm terrified by the idea that my dad might show up here. At least when Black Mask showed up I knew where I stood.

[He takes it out and starts preparing to make some.] The Admiral likes to mess with us by doing that. Dick told me the Joker was here. [He frowns.] That monster can't be changed. He's not crazy. He knows exactly what he's doing, and he keeps doing it. Just like Cain.

[ Steph moves across the kitchen behind him and pulls out two mugs. ]

My friend Claire was his warden. Nygma was Roman's. They make me believe that not everyone can be redeemed. I really hate that about them.

[He looks at her.] Not everyone can be. Sometimes there's no other option. It's why we have a death penalty.

I know. I just want to believe that people are generally good, even though I live in Gotham and I see the opposite every day.

Either way, I don't want to be the one responsible for making that decision.

It's a heavy one to make, but our job is to protect people. [Beat.] I want to believe that, Stephanie. I used to. I want to believe in Harvey Dent. Then Barbara got shot, Jason got killed, and I started seeing the body counts. How much of it could I have stopped if I'd acted sooner? How much of it piles up before we say enough is enough, there won't be any more?

But why does it have to be you?

[ She looks at him with understanding in her eyes, but also sadness. She knows, she knows that leaving the Joker alive kills so many people, but this is too much for him. ]

Why can't the system just work and be fair and you don't have to be guilty because you didn't have to do it all yourself.

I don't care if it kills me. [Beat.] I don't care that it killed me. I just want all of you to be safe. I see you wearing the costumes... and it hurts. I don't want you out there fighting on my behalf, when you should be growing up, having a normal life, settling down, or doing whatever people who aren't us do. I look at you wearing the costumes and all I can see is myself finding you somewhere, too late to be of any help. I don't... I can't take it. I don't know what I'd do if it happened again. I'm afraid it will, because I know all of you. I don't want it to. The mission isn't worth more than your lives. My mission isn't.

[ She wants to reach out, but she's not sure how. So instead she hugs her arms over her chest. ]

I care. My mom didn't leave my dad, Bruce, I never had a chance at a normal life. If I die it won't be for the mission, it'll be for what I believe in. That's more than I ever would have had without the mask.

I don't want you to die at all. [Flat and without conviction, like he's playing an old record that won't shut up.

He checks the chocolate. It's nearly done.] I wish there was another way.

Everyone dies eventually. I love being Batgirl. I loved being Spoiler. I don't want another way.

[He moves over and hugs her.] But I do. I don't know if that's selfish.

[ She gives him a squeeze in return. It's not nearly as strange to her now. ]

You don't want me to get hurt. That's not selfish. Selfish would be trying to force me to stop, like Tim did, and the Bruce in my world.

I don't think I could, because you've made up your mind. [He pulls away so he can look at her.] That doesn't mean I approve.

I may appreciate your love but I don't need your approval. Even if I want it a little bit despite myself.

Okay. You can have a little bit. [A genuine smile, if a little pained.] I think I can do that much.

[ That startles a laugh out of her, and she hugs him tight again. ]

I like you better than the Bruce from my world. Does that make me a bad person?

[Hugs back, tight.] I don't want to be him. From what I've heard, I don't think I'd like that at all. But I can't see any other way I could ever leave. [Beat.] I... don't want to leave. I have a family here. That's so much more than what I had at home.

You could go somewhere else. You could go anywhere you want, but staying here will only make you miserable.

I'd only be miserable if the ship was making the rest of you miserable too.

It would, and it will. That's why I'm leaving as soon as I can go without feeling overwhelmingly guilty.

[ A beat. ]

I think the cocoa is ready.

You shouldn't feel guilty at all about wanting to leave. [Beat.] It is. I haven't had hot chocolate in a long time. [Pours it into the mugs.]

Let's sit on the couch, it's more comfortable than the table. [ She heads over there, putting out two coasters and waiting for him to bring the drinks. ]

I don't want to leave the people I care about or the people who need me.

[He puts one on her coaster, and blows on his own, gently. Then, he sits down next to her.] Dick said the same thing. I'm beginning to think all of you should just leave at the same time.

It wouldn't work. I've got inmates I care about too.

[ She picks up the mug and cradles it while she blows on it. It's comforting while she asks her next question. ]

Do you still want to hear about the gang war?

Yes, I do.

Okay. Well, it's a long story so feel free to interrupt. It started when Batman fired me because he told me to stay in the plane and I thought he was in trouble so I went to help and the assassin he was fighting grabbed me and he had to let her go. There were two rules, I didn't learn any big secrets until I was off probation and if I ever disobeyed an order I was out. So I was out. I didn't think he would honestly do it, but he did. I wanted to prove to him that he was wrong about me and that I could do what he did so I got on the computer before I left and stole one his war plans.

[ This much comes out quickly enough that it barely registers with Steph on an emotional level. But the next part is worse, and it's harder to say, so she pauses. ]

Dick and Jason disobeyed orders all the time. That's not grounds to fire you. [Beat.] There's a lot of war plans. Which one?

[ And yet, he did. What makes her different? She doesn't really want to know. ]

The idea was to gather all the gang leaders in Gotham under one person, a person Batman could control. It was supposed to be Matches Malone, but I didn't know he was just Batman in disguise.

What went wrong?

Matches didn't show up. Someone reached for a lighter and the next thing I knew they were all shooting. Only Orpheus and Onyx made it out, and with the leaders gone it was all out war.

[ She still remembers it vividly, all the shots fired and Selina telling her if she tried to stop it now she was dead. ]

After that I tried to help where I could, but I was pretty useless and I was t supposed to be on the streets at all. Finally Selina found me again and I told her what happened and she told me about Matches Malone. She tried to keep me at her house with her friends but I knew it was my fault and people were dying and I couldn't sit around so I ran out.

Sionis hurt you, and Leslie faked your death.

Well, yes, I was getting to that part. He killed Orpheus first. [ She drums her fingers on her cocoa mug. She's not even thinking about drinking it yet. It's just a prop. ]

I thought you had questions?

I don't know if I have a right to ask them. This is something very painful for you.

It is, but I've had to tell the story a couple of times now. I get by mostly making it as mechanical as possible, talking about it like it happened to someone else.

[ Does that help even a little bit? ]

You shouldn't do that. It happened to you, and it hurt - we can't help you with the emotional wounds if you try to detach yourself like that. Look at me for instance.

[Emotional awareness, Bruce style?]

Leslie helped a lot with that. But feeling sorry for myself or feeling guilty doesn't do any good if I can't use it. [ See, she really is a Bat! ] I learned from it, I own it, and I do what I can to make things better. That's helping.

I like that about you. I wish I could manage something along those lines. It would help immensely. [Beat.] Are you going to finish the story? You don't have to if you don't want to. You can tell me something nice about Africa.

[ She looks down, finally takes a gulp of her hot cocoa. ]

We've already gotten this far. After I left Selina's place I went looking for Orpheus. He was the only one who could fix everything. But Black Mask found him first. He slit Orpheus' throat while I was talking to him. It was so dark I couldn't even see his face properly but I could see the blood. I usually don't tell people about that part. It's not important to the story but it was really disturbing.

[ She stares down at the cocoa, desperately trying to disconnect herself, but the flood is making her share parts of the story that she doesn't want to, parts that affect her and make it harder. Her eyes start to water. ]

Black Mask wanted to know what the big plan was, so he attacked me. We fought for a while and it almost looked like I was going to win, but he knocked me out and when I woke up I was chained to the ceiling in his basement. That was when he turned on the power drill.

[ She chokes here, and has to stop while the tears start flowing. Her hands shake slightly as she squeezes the mug until her hands start to hurt. ]

I don't know what to say that. [Beat.] I don't anything I can say to that would make it easier for you.

[Reaches a hand for hers. His voice is strained.] I'm sorry you were alone. Partners are supposed to look out for each other.

[ She pries a hand off of her mug, and then another one as she sets it down to take his hand. She squeezes tight as she wipes her eyes. ]

I didn't have a partner. He told me he didn't want me being Spoiler anymore either. Nobody knew to look for me but Selina. So I knew nobody was coming for me. I stopped caring, all I could think about was the war going on outside and how I started it.

I don't know what happened, but eventually one of my hands slipped out of the chains. I managed to pull the other one out and regain consciousness before he came back. And then I ambushed him. I got his gun. I was going to shoot him in the face. It was all I wanted. I was so angry at him and myself and the world and I just wanted to end it all.

[ She takes a deep breath, lets it out. ]

I couldn't do it. I realized... I realized I was dead either way. I was bleeding and broken and it didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was that Batman wouldn't want me to. Tim wouldn't want me to. I didn't want them to hate me any more than I thought they already must.

So he took the gun back and shot me and left me for dead. And when I woke up I went looking for Batman.

Edited 2013-02-01 20:31 (UTC)

[Squeezes her hand again gently, before he offers her a small smile, as reassuring as he can make it.] No one should hate you for that, and someone should have come.

[ She sniffles, but she can't manage a smile. ]

I wish I had been able to see that then. All I could see was everyone telling me I wasn't good enough, that I should quit, that I was going to get hurt. Batman said he understood, that it wasn't my fault, but I thought he was just saying that because he was afraid I was going to die.

[ A beat. She hasn't told anybody but Leslie this bit. ]

I kept thinking about Tim, and what would he say, and would he feel sorry for me, or would he blame himself, or would he be glad that I had finally been hurt enough to want to quit? And what about my mom? She was always so afraid that I would end up like my dad, and here I was having just about decimated the city. I wished I was dead. So when Leslie suggested faking it, it seemed perfect. They couldn't hate me if I was killed by Black Mask, and nobody would have to know that I was thinking about killing myself.

I don't want to admit this but I think I would have done the same - tried to push you away and make you quit because I'm afraid you're going to die too. [Beat.] But I wouldn't have left you on your own because I know you would have wanted to help fix it. Something that big... [Shakes his head.] I had partners for a reason.

[At the next bit his eyes widen in shock, and he moves closer, putting an arm around her.] I'm here. I don't think there's much I can do, but I'm here.

It would never have worked, and it never will.

[ She leans into him, the tension starting to leave her body. She just sort of slumps helplessly. ]

It hurt more when I came back and Tim was so upset with me. I felt like he wished I really had died, that he wasn't just glad I was hurt enough to quit but he was glad to have me out of his hair. I know he felt betrayed, but I was depressed and I couldn't help some of the things that went through my head.

I know. That's something I have to come to terms with. All of you mean well, but... it's still something I'm afraid of.

[Squeezes her shoulder gently.] No, you couldn't. Don't feel bad for thinking those thoughts. They happen to all of us... even me.

I feel bad still because I couldn't convince him that he wasn't betrayed. [ She never really has been able to, no matter how she tried. ] Thinking them doesn't make them true. That's what Leslie told me.

You tried. The rest is on him. [He allows himself a small, nostalgic smile when thinking of Leslie.] She's right. Impulses are different from actions.

And perceptions are different from reality, especially when you're depressed. Just because you think someone hates you doesn't mean they do.

It would be easier if they did. [His shoulder slump.]

Giving up would be easier. Life's not supposed to be easy. That's what makes it worth while.

I agree it isn't easy, but I don't know if it's worthwhile anymore.

It is. I promise it is. [ She snakes her arms around him to give him a squeeze. ]

You have people who care about you and want you to be happy.

You can say it all you want, but I think I need to go through something horrific before that sinks in. [Smiles sadly.] I never did learn the easy way.

Sitting here listening to me cry wasn't horrific enough?

[ She manages a smile now, in spite of herself. ]

No! Why would anyone think that?

I feel like I'm dropping my past on your shoulders, and it's not a pretty one.

What kind of monster would I be if I decided not to listen when you clearly needed someone?

The kind you claim to be, probably.

It -- [GUH STEPH WHY] No. That's different. Is it? I don't know.

[congrats he's actually confused]

It's not really. People aren't monsters because of what they do, they're monsters because of the reasons they do it.

I did it for the wrong reasons. Even if I can show you kindness now, that doesn't change what I am.

I started a gang war because I wanted to prove myself. Is that the right reason?

You made one mistake. That happens.

I made the same mistake over and over again. People can learn.

Some people. Not me.

You've already learned a lot. Look at us now. We're sitting in Kon's and my living room having hot chocolate and talking about our feelings. Not all of that is because of the flood.

I don't really like talking about my feelings. I might have done it eventually on my own terms, but I don't enjoy doing it like this. [Sigh.] Then again, enjoying it isn't something the Admiral cares about.

The flood didn't make you have hot chocolate with me.

No, I did that because I wanted to spend time with you.

There you go. That's an improvement already.

How is it an improvement?

Spending time with people is good. It's a way to learn and grow and it can really help when you're depressed and we can maybe help convince you that life is worth living.

I think I have to convince myself on my own. Or I want to, but I know that's not really the best idea for me. I don't like being alone even if I'm used to it.

I think you only get worse when you're on your own, but nobody can convince you to live your life but you. We can help, though, if you let us.

I don't know how to let you.

Just listen when we talk, even if you pretend you won't.

I think I can manage that. Anything else?

Try not to be too hard on yourself. I think you forget sometimes that you're allowed to be human.

[Smiles sadly.] I don't think that's going to change easily.

I don't expect it to, that's why I said 'try'.

Mm. [He gives her one last hug, and then breaks away to finish his hot chocolate.] Thanks for this. I needed it even if afterwards I'm going to pretend it never happened.

[ She lets him go and reaches for her own now-cold cocoa again. ]

I wish you wouldn't. Even if it was partly flood-induced I shared a big part of my life with you and I can't just pretend that didn't happen.

[WHAT ARE FEELINGS.] I'll be here if you need to talk about it again, but I personally usually advise hitting something.

I don't really talk about it anymore. I just tell people who ought to know and have nightmares and Kon holds me if I wake up screaming.

[ Something horrible, obviously. ]

I feel like you wouldn't have told me if it hadn't been for this flood, which makes me feel bad for taking advantage of it like this - except I did mean what I said about wanting to know, because I wanted to help you, if I could.

I would have eventually, probably. But I'm glad that I did. Even if it hurts, I want to trust you, and I want you to trust me.

I do trust you. It's hard for me to do that, but I do. I wish you wouldn't trust me in return. I don't understand why you do it. I'm unreliable. I've been that way for a long time.

You're not that unreliable. You're actually pretty consistent, even if I don't like the way you make decisions.

I don't like the way I make decisions, either. Somebody has to do it, but that doesn't mean I can't change a few things.

Then change it. You're the only one who can.

I don't know if it's even worth the effort.

Is it worth the effort to make the people you care about happy?

What would make them happy?

Making yourself happy. Making a change. Graduating.

I don't think I have a right to be happy.

What about us? The people who care about you? Don't we have a right to be happy? If your happiness means our happiness how could that be wrong?

I don't know! Stop expecting better of me! I'm not! I can't be!

[ She frowns at him, sets down her empty cocoa cup. ]

You can't just say 'I don't know' and expect that to be good enough. You know the answers, Bruce, you just don't like them. You want to be miserable, and you don't even see how it's hurting the people around you.

I see it. [His voice cracks.] I don't like the answers. I don't like knowing that I'm getting a chance at.. something, when they could have and I took that away from them. I've been a hypocrite for a long time, I don't want to be a hypocrite about this. I wish I was dead. I'll never stop wishing that.

[ And now it's her turn to reach out and hug him. ]

That won't fix anything. It won't make anything better, it'll only make it worse. There are still people who need you, still people who care about you, and hurting yourself will hurt them too.

[He's slow to respond, but he does reciprocate.] I don't want to fix it. I think it's selfish to want to fix it when I shouldn't have that chance.

It's selfish not to. And it's selfish to waste the chance you've been given, even if you think you don't deserve it.

I'm sorry I don't believe you. Thanks for trying.

I hope some day you believe me. [ She hugs him just that much tighter. ]

I might, but it's not today. [Almost never letting go tbh ;_;]

If we weren't all a bit crazy when we started I think we are now. ...That could mean being a Warden or a vigilante, really.

And yes, leeches were used in ancient Rome. They've made a comeback in modern medicine, actually.

This place is enough to drive anybody crazy. If any of us is sane it's pure luck.

I never want to be treated with leeches, they're slimy and gross and I hate them and if I met one in a dark alley I would probably scream.

Well, at least it's like home that way.

So I shouldn't tell you about the maggots, then.

Ohmygod please don't, if I had eaten lunch yet I would probably throw up because I really hate bugs and bug-like creatures. Anything that might be considered vermin, really.

You know you dress up as a bat, right?

The bats in the cave startle me all the time, I'm really glad the new Batgirl HQ is just an underground facility.

[A low chuckle.] I never really cared for them either.

I'm always worried they're going to poop on me.

I swear that's the real reason he keeps his cowl on in there.

I thought it was just because he's hopelessly paranoid.

Well, that too. But the man's a diva about his hair.

Too bad latex gives ten times the hat hair.

I think you have to be a little crazy - or just desperate - to make a deal to come here. I admire everyone who makes this system work for them, because it's not a very good one.

It's a horrible system. It's ironic that the inmates are really the admirable ones. I often feel like what I do doesn't matter and people will either graduate or they won't on their own will.

I feel the same way, especially since I got paired with Rex when he was already pretty far redeemed.

I keep getting paired with people who disappear, but only after we've been unpaired. It makes me feel a little sabotaged.

That really sucks. My first two inmates also disappeared, so I'm really invested in making sure Rex graduates. I'm terrified he'll leave, too, and then I'll be stuck here to start all over again.

I decided this was my last time. If I fail with Doyle I'm going home, with or without Kon. I know it's selfish but it's what I decided.

It might be selfish, but I think you superhero types could stand to be a little more selfish. I think it'd be good for you to think about your own happiness a little more often.

I just can't understand why anyone would choose to do the things you and Dick and the others do on a regular basis. Talk about thankless, exhausting and disheartening.

It gave me some measure of control over my life, and a sense of worth. Now I do it because I love it, and I want to help people and I'm afraid that if I don't nobody else will, because there will never be enough people patrolling in Gotham.

I've never considered myself a bad or evil person, I think most people are, you know, a weird mix of good and bad, but you Gotham people are downright saintly.

And also really attached to that city. I don't think I'll ever understand it. Personally, I want to see the world, and I don't plan to settle down for a while yet, if ever.

I'm not a saint. I'm not even really a hero. Hundreds of people are dead because of me. I'm just trying to do something right with my life.

You've dedicated your life to helping others. Plus you feel guilty about every little bad thing you've done, I'm sure.

I rarely feel guilty, and I certainly don't care enough to want to help all people, all the time.

The bad things I've done aren't little. I started a gang war. I let everyone I love think I was dead for a whole year. I hired an assassin to 'scare' Robin and two kids got killed and almost a lot of other people. And then there's poor Clancy, who got killed by some stupid kids in super suits because he wanted to help me.

How do you stay here and do this if you don't care about helping people at all? Is your deal really that good?

Some of that sounds pretty nasty, but uh, I don't think you should feel guilty for choices that other people make involving you. I mean, kind of offensive to them, if you ask me.

And I didn't say I don't care about anyone. I just don't care about everyone, all the time. I want to help Rex. I just don't have the energy or interest to constantly be concerned about everyone.

I didn't take him seriously, and I should have been there. Instead I left and he got killed. He never chose to die.

That's better than nothing, I guess.

Still not on you. Unless you killed him with your own hand, it's the fault of whoever killed him. And if it was an accident, then it was an accident. They happen.

I think I'm pretty normal that way. I mean, I don't think it's possible for most people to worry that much about everyone. Sure, I give to charity when I can and stuff. No one person can fix the whole world.

[ A brief pause. ] Yeah, you're right, and I think I really needed to hear that. I still wish I had been there though, and I'm still using my deal to brig him back.

Mostly I care about the people around me.

I understand. We all have stuff we regret, but you shouldn't let it eat you up. Cobb let it eat him up and it almost drove him insane.

Sure, we all do. I care about Arthur, and Cobb. My deal is for Cobb. And I care about Rex, and a few other people here.

I try not to. I've actually gotten really good at it since I came back from Africa.

It's not so different in Gotham. My friends are there, and my mother, and when crime is rampant they get hurt.

I guess that's a good enough reason to want to keep them safe, though I'd probably still try to find a way to move them somewhere else if it was that bad.

It's not that simple. There's my mom's job, and money, and my friends who can't afford to move away and their families too. If I quit the vigilante thing I might move away, but that won't be for a while.

Oh, I know it's always complicated. I'm very privileged, but I've been on my own long enough to know the money trouble thing is always a kick in the stomach.

I do admire you all, though. Not in a "I want to be like you" way, but just in the example you're setting to be nicer in general, I guess.

That's the real trouble with Gotham. The people who really need to get out don't have the means.

I like to think I could do that without being a masked vigilante.

I think theoretically anyone could do that, without being a masked vigilante.

Theoretically, but sometimes I really feel like it's the vigilante thing that gives me worth and not the intention behind it.

Frankly, I think most things are at least sixty percent intentions. Especially after all this time on the Barge.

I think it's more like 60% action, because the intention without the action doesn't do a whole lot of good. None, in the long run.

And yet, some people here have done some pretty terrible things, but if they did them for the right reasons...

Then it's still a mistake and they should still feel bad about it. I gave up my child for the right reasons but I still feel awful, and that's not even such a terrible thing unless you're me.

Of course. I'm not saying people should remorselessly do those terrible things.

You shouldn't feel bad for doing the best thing for your child, but on the other hand, I'd be a little concerned if you didn't.

The point is good intentions don't make up for bad actions. You have to do that yourself.

Maybe. I'd say it depends on the circumstances, but you superhero types are always so weird to talk to. It's not that I don't like you, it's just strange.

I think it's probably because some of the decisions we make are on a very large scale and most of our mistakes are life and death.

That's true. Maybe that's why I don't get you guys. I don't get anyone who would choose to put that burden on themselves.

It's weirdly addictive. I guess it's just a personality type.

I think so. I'm pretty sure I told Arthur once that there are a ton of type-As here. Not all superheroes, but a lot of that same mindset.

There'd kind of have to be, considering the nature of this place. There are only so many reasons compelling enough to make someone want to stay.

Yeah, I guess. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much about Cobb. I've only known the guy for six weeks or so.

But he's so broken.

You want to help people. You just have to have known them long enough to see they need your help first.

I do want to help Cobb, that's for sure. He didn't kill his wife, but the police think he did. All he wants is to clear his name so he can get back to his kids and be their dad.

If his wife is dead and he's on the run then who's taking care of the kids?

Um, I think it's been their grandmother.

Oh, that's good. At least they're still with family.

Sure, but it seems cruel to force their dad to be away from them, after losing his wife and all.

It does, but at least they weren't turned over to the state or something. It could have been a lot worse.

Yeah but I still want to help him out.

Sounds like you're serving a broken system. [AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO FIX IT >|]

For the system to be broken it would have had to be whole at some point. Sometimes I feel like Wanda's right, that I'm a bad person for even being accomplice to this place. But most of the time I agree with Kon, that even if the circumstances are awful people can grow and learn and that's a good thing.

People don't change. Not really.

Some people change. I changed, just enough to count. My mom changed. My dad didn't but I'm pretty sure he's actually mentally ill. The Black Mercy probably doesn't help.

[Technically Oliver changed too, but he still sees himself as the seflish ass he used to be, so it doesn't count.]

I'm sorry about your father, but you're a little naive if you really believe that.

It's not naive to have faith in people. I've been here more than two years and I've seen people change.

Everyone lies.

So? That doesn't make them bad people.

It doesn't make them better.

They can be better enough.

What does that even mean?

It means that nobody has to be perfect. Sometimes 'fucked up' is still good enough.

Good enough for what?

To graduate. To be a decent person. To hold on to some shred of sanity. Whatever.

Those are three very different things.

None of which are mutually exclusive with 'fucked up'.

Pretty sure we're all insane, BG.

Least you I actually like.

Well that's a plus. It's always nice to be liked, even if you are a little bit insane.

And you aren't?

Why do you think I like you so much?

I meant that as a general 'you' actually, but I'm not surprised you took it personally because you do that a lot. You're really a very sensitive person.

Wouldn't figure you for knowing that.

Think you get too busy to notice me, sometimes. Or too focused on everyone else.

Not that I'd ever say I'm jealous.

I notice a lot, and I always take time for my friends. It only seems like I don't because you're not my only friend, but I think I'm probably your only friend on the barge.

Not like I'm picky. I'm just scared of getting close.

I know. It's really obvious, especially when you get so scared you start pushing people away. It's hard to stay friends with you at times like that. You hit as hard with your words as you do with your fists.

'Cause I'm scared shitless.

Tommy? Left. Watcher? Dead. B? Stabbed me in the stomach. My imaginary friend? Ancient vengeance demon who tried to kill me. Not exactly great with the track record, here.

I think its really sad that you let your fear hold you down like that. It's not just preventing you from making new friends but actively driving away the friends you do have.

So what am I supposed to do, BG? I don't know. Even B's gone.

You should start treating people like people and not like punching bags.

You don't have to keep your distance from punching bags. They don't hit back.

They make horrible friends. Most inanimate objects do.

Better than most people.

Besides, I don't want you hurt. I don't know what to do when you say you'll be fine. It's not about you.

I can't stand seeing it again.

I won't be fine but you can't live your life terrified of people getting hurt. People always get hurt and they always will.

Not 'cause of me. GG was the last one. I can't take another. I think I'll break.

I think you're already broken.

Like you're not?

Which I'm just saying to distract you from my issues.

I know, you always do that. But no, I'm not broken. I'm more or less okay, actually.

That why you hang around with me?

Cause I can't see anyone sane doing that.

Edited 2013-02-02 04:54 (UTC)

Mostly because I'm afraid if I don't you'll fall apart completely and kill yourself and it will be my fault. And because when you aren't so totally down on yourself you're kind of fun to hang out with.

Wish you'd drink. Being an alcholic's my worst fear, too - but at least we'd get to relax together more.

I wish you would find a different way to relax. I hate myself a little bit every time I drink and the smell sometimes reminds me of my dad beating my mother.

I think you let them control you, too much.

My dad was an abusive murderer. My mother was an alcoholic. When I was sixteen, her drug dealing boyfriend tried to molest me. Same year she died. As a drugged out hooker.

You wanna let that sort of stuff rule you?

I think you have no clue what you're talking about. Everybody is different and they react differently to different things. Just because drinking isn't something I can enjoy one hundred percent doesn't mean my past controls me. It means I'm human and I can't control the way I react to some things. In fact, I think you're projecting your own problems onto me. You act out and push people away because you want to prove that your parents don't control you.

Not my parents who control me. It's the watcher who died from the vampire that raped and starved me. Then B who abandoned me and acted all surprised when I went crazy.

And the boyfriend who cheated on me with his dead girlfriend, after bringing out the best friend the cost me my old best friend.

You should really just take anything you say about other people and turn it on yourself.

Probably.

So what? What am I even to you? A friend or a project?

A friend. And a responsibility.

Not a time bomb.

Just need someone who can convince me they care.

I do care. But if you keep testing me I'm going to get tired of trying and I won't care so much anymore.

I don't know how to stop. Not here. You could leave and not even want to.

That's not my fault, and it isn't fair for you to take it out on me.

Good thing I never said I was fair. [Her expression is pained, though. She can't seem to manage a casual look.]

That's not a good thing, that's a bad thing, and it makes me feel like our friendship is a one-way street that I want out of.

Something I've been waiting for you to say.

No one ever sticks around.

You're not even trying to get me to stay. That tells me you don't value my friendship more than you value feeling victimized.

Then maybe you should leave.

I wouldn't be trying to push you away so hard if I wasn't so scared of you leaving on your own. You're already the best friend I've had in years.

[ She's stunned into silence for a moment. ]

You're impossible. If you cared about me you wouldn't do things just to hurt me and push me away. I won't hold it against you because you can't help what you're saying on account of the flood, but you can't treat people like this.

I was eight the first time grandpa told me I was worthless.

Knowing it's not right doesn't mean I can stop it. Don't know any other way to talk.

How can you expect inmates to change if you won't?

Except inmates leave, too. It's sorta there thing.

That's not the point, that has nothing to do with anything!

So what is? 'Cause I gotta say, BG - I don't know what to do anymore,

The point is you have to make a change or I'm out and it's your fault, not mine, because you made this happen.

Maybe I'd rather that than the reverse.

...But I don't want you gone.

That doesn't even make any sense.

You're the best thing on this ship, BG. I don't want to just wait until something steals you, too.

That's not an option anymore. Unless something changes you don't have me at all.

...Yeah. Should have figured. [She's not looking at... anything anymore.

What the hell's the point?]

Roman medicine was alright. I mean, they had leeches, yes, but they used basic anesthetics and boiled their implements first for surgery, and used vinegar acid to wash out wounds, which worked as a rudimentary disinfectant. You're probably thinking of medieval medicine, which was terrible.

Now I'm embarrassed because that probably sounded unbearably pretentious but I've never had any friends so I read a lot and I use knowledge to make up for all my other inadequacies. The leeches were just a metaphor, but I was avoiding your actual point because it struck a nerve with me.

You're right that there's not really any difference. Everyone is messed up and everyone does unforgivable things and the only meaningful difference between wardens and inmates is power.

But I still think you're a better person that I am, because that distresses you. You want things to be fair, you want to make them okay, for the people you care about, instead of just hurting them to get want you want. I'm jealous.

I didn't mean it was poor quality, just that I'm messing with stuff I don't really understand completely. Although leeches are still awful.

I don't think everyone does unforgivable things, necessarily.

I don't think anyone really understands.

That's true. Some people die young.

Not everyone is horrible, and a lot can be forgivable.

Most people are horrible. Everyone can be horrible, if they haven't been driven to it yet.

What could you forgive? I don't think I know how. I don't know if I wish I did or not. It seems so stupid, letting people hurt you again.

Batman kept secrets from me so basic that without them I accidentally started a gang war that killed hundreds and resulted in my own torture. It was so bad I let my doctor fake my death and went to Africa for a year.

But it wasn't all his fault, and I get why he did it. I can forgive that. I just hate how he thinks he can control everyone.

Batman.

Is he the guy in room 17, level 4?

[Yeah, that's a little bit of gut-level fear, right there.]

Yeah, that's him.

[ But no, wait, that might be confusing! ]

Not the same Batman, though. We're from different universes.

How well do you know the one here? How similar are they? Has he been controlling too? He's one of the only people who's ever taken care of me but I'm terrified that if he's like that then he'll end up crushing me just like my dad did.

I feel like I know him better than he knows himself. He's the same, but kind of the opposite. He tries to push everyone away because he's afraid of seeing them hurt because of him. They're the same that way. But my Batman kept working with others and this one cut himself off.

He hasn't tried to push me away yet. Does that mean he doesn't care?

I don't know. Maybe it means that he's learning. Or maybe it means that he can't help liking you.

Will he act the same way, do you think? Making decisions and keeping me in the dark - I mean I already know he keeps a million secrets but I thought they just his own, would he keep things from me that were about me so that I couldn't argue with him thinking he knows best?

No, he was never that bad. The secrets Batman kept from me were secrets about himself, but they were things I should have known because I was working with him.

Okay. That's a little reassuring but I'm still scared I can't trust him as much as I hoped, and I think I want to take advantage of whatever is happening even if deliberately being honest with him is terrifying.

But thank you.

Normally I would say that taking advantage of a flood like this is wrong and you shouldn't do it but you seem really scared and if Bruce cares about you and you care about him then you should be honest with each other so I think it's okay in this instance.

I'd hate anyone doing to me, because I'm an awful manipulative person and I lie all the time.

But if he's the kind of man who's going to wreck my life later, then I don't care about betraying him, and if he isn't, hopefully he'll be glad that I can trust his assurances. Pascal's wager is an emphatic go. And I'm planning to try my best to keep him on topic. Direct questions seem to work pretty well.

...I'm really good at rationalizing.

You're very good. That makes a lot of sense. Unless he realizes that you're an awful manipulative person and he never trusts you again.

[ Comforting thought, no? ]

I know. That's why I'm scared.

But I'd rather risk that than being under someone's thumb again.

If you're willing to risk it then there's nothing else you can do. It's your choice entirely.

Wish me luck.

[The feed cuts out before Steph can reply again.]

Don't forget about our promise. If you go home and you don't return, or you return a different person, then I'll use my deal to restore your memories of being here.

I know, and that's a little comforting but it still scares me and I don't want to risk it.

I wish there was something I could do, I hate that being here is so hard for you.

You could finish here faster so that we could both leave but I don't really see that happening and I'm starting to worry that I'm going to have to leave before you do.

If you do then...we'll find a way through it. At least time won't go by for you, while I finish up here.

I'm afraid if I go you'll think I don't love you and you'll find someone else. I know it's stupid but I still think about it.

What? No way! There's no denying that being here without you will be hard, maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it's because I love you and want the best for you, that I'd find a way to be okay with it. You deserve to get away from here, see your mom, and turn in that paper.

It feels so selfish because I know hardly any time will pass for me and I kind of want that to happen because then it would be over faster. I don't want to seem controlling but I just want to take you home with me.

Do you think Doyle is getting close to graduating?

I do, but I've thought that before and I'm not really that confident in my assessment.

[Sighs.] I'm torn. On the one hand, I want to stay here, get an Inmate, and change things. On the other hand, I don't want to be here without you. If he graduates in the next couple of months, are you going home?

I don't know. It depends what happens between then and now.

Maybe.

This is depressing.

It is. Can we talk about something else?

I think I want to be by myself for awhile, if that's okay. It sounds like it's something I need to get used to. [The emo, it is rising.]

I'm hurt, and I'd really like to spend time with you but I'll respect your request to be left alone.

That makes two of us. I'm trying to respect and support whatever it is you want to do, it's just hard to be objective about it now that my emotions are kicking in.

If you ask me to stay I will. I would rather be miserable here than lose you.

I don't want you to be miserable. I-I need to go for awhile. We'll talk more later, okay?

It's not really okay, but go.

I don't know if sticking around while I'm upset will help. It hurts knowing that staying here with me would make you miserable.

Being with you would be one of the only good parts. Having to see the things this place does to us is what makes me miserable.

I know, but honestly...I think this place isn't half as bad as other places. Like my world or your world. I'm afraid you're going to get seriously hurt or worse in your world. It sounds like such a dangerous place.

There's no constant invasion of privacy, and I always know who I am, and there isn't a constant stream of people demanding things from me that I can't give them and then striking out when I don't. I know how to deal with my world long term. This one keeps wearing me down. And I'm afraid if we both keep coming up with reasons to stay we'll never leave.

Where are you? In our room?

Yeah, I'm cleaning up the mugs from Bruce's visit.

[Zoom! Within seconds he's at their room. He doesn't bother saying anything to her, instead he pulls her in for a hug, all encompassing hug.]

[ She waits for him to say something, but he doesn't so she just clings desperately to him. She really doesn't want to leave him, ever. ]

[Doesn't speak for a good few minutes. Instead he continues to hug her tightly, soaking in both her warmth and her presence. When he finally speaks up it's in a soft voice.]

Whatever you decide, you won't lose me either way. You never will.

[ She speaks in almost a whisper. ]

I love you, Kon.

I love you, too. [Closes his eyes over, sighing softly.] I'd do anything for you, including being strong for us if you need me to be.

I was just about to say the same thing to you. I'm sorry I upset you.

[Scoops her up into his arms and takes her into their bed with them. Resumes holding her in his arms, cuddling close.]

This place makes everything needlessly complicated.

[ She rests her head against his chest. ]

It does. It's really a problem.

[Covers her engagement hand with one of his.] It's part of why I proposed. I know there are a lot of things out of our control. Whatever happens, our engagement symbolizes that what we have means something and what we feel for each other is real.

Yeah. [ She laces her fingers through his. ] Even if floods or breaches or ports tear us apart, it's only temporary.

Nothing could tear me apart from you. [Kisses her.] Not the Barge, distance, or time.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. [ She kisses him again. ]

Sometimes I still have trouble believing that. You've had so many amazing things happen in your life, met so many people, and done so many things...I don't know. It's still great to hear. [Smiles into their kiss.]

It's completely true. Of all the amazing things I've experienced you make me happier than anything else. I don't want you to ever doubt that.

I don't. I just wish there was something more I could do, so that you wouldn't feel so miserable here. I'd rather be miserable for awhile than have you be miserable for any longer.

I'm never miserable when you're with me. Even if I'm hurt or scared, you make it better.

We'll have to have another movie night. There's a ton available in the library.

[Closes his eyes over, running his fingers along her side.]

The last port was nice. I mean, it was crazy but nice for the two of us. Scooter rides and movies.

Yeah. [ She closes her eyes as well and rests her head against his shoulder. ]

I'm glad we were able to be together, even if it wasn't us. We should watch something fun, like Finding Nemo. Disney movies.

Sounds good.

[Sighs contently.]

I was pretty worked up earlier, now I feel content. Talk about pulling a 180.

It's better when we're together like this. It's harder over the network. [ She likes being able to tighten her arms around him, comfort him with her closeness. It puts her at ease. ]

It is. Sometimes I still have a hard time dealing with my emotions. I get overwhelmed and I'm afraid I'll say anything I regret.

[Nuzzles her neck.]

Then when we hold each other like this, it makes me glad I'm able to keep myself together.

Even when you can't hold it together, I'm still here for you.

What if I say something hurtful?

You'll just have to take it back.

I'd take it back in a heartbeat.

Then you have nothing to worry about. [ She smiles. ] Sometimes people hurt each other in little ways. It happens. It's nothing that will get between us.

We've never really had a big fight before. That was the closest the two of us have come to one. I don't have any experience to reflect back on to help me figure out how couples between arguments go.

I have a lot of experience but I think the key word there is couples. Not all couples really love each other. I don't think my father really loved my mother. Their arguments were very different.

I think we're doing just fine.

I'm glad we always find a way to talk things out. I know early on I used to get pretty moody, but you always looked for the good in the situation.

I'm glad you've learned to see things in a better light, even though I didn't really mind you being moody.

Something tells me while you didn't mind it, you probably like it better when I'm not.

I do like it better when you're not. I can only be patient for so long. I think four months is probably my breaking point.

What happens at fourth months and one day?

I start lecturing. I never like being lectured myself but sometimes it feels so good to be on the lecturing end. I think I really upset Faith today but I also think she really needed to hear it.

What did you say to her?

That if she kept pushing people away she was going to lose the few friends she does have. [ At this Steph definitely sounds sheepish. ]

I can't believe she said all those things about Buffy! [Huffs. Someone is protective of his former Warden.]

Me neither. Honestly, she has to understand that she can't just take her anger out on other people like that. She's a warden, she should know better than that.

I wish the Admiral paid more attention to what Wardens do. There always seems to be so much conflict on the Barge instead of peace making.

I wish the Admiral paid more attention in general. So much about this place doesn't make any sense at all.

Sometimes I feel really hopeful about this place, and other times I have my doubts about it. Still, I want to keep believing that everyone who shows up here has some kind of shot at redemption, and that we can make a difference.

I can't believe that. Roman Sionis doesn't deserve a shot at redemption.

Who is that? [Only knows him by his crime name.]

Black Mask. He was here a few years ago.

>[Tightens his hold around her while his eyes flicker red.]

Honestly, if he ever showed up here again I'm not sure if I'd remain a Warden for very long.

[ She nestles her head in his shoulder. ]

I've thought about it kind of a lot. Anyone that went after him would just be provoking him into a never-ending one-up battle, but not going after him wouldn't stop him from coming after me. I just have to hope he never comes back.

Sort of like with David Cain?

Pretty much exactly like that only with less illusion of humanity and more creative torture.

If he tried to torture anyone here, I would show him just how effective of a weapon I can be. [His voice comes out in a vicious growl.]

I'd actually really enjoy that, but I don't think it would do any good. He gets off on stuff like that.

94,31 - Self denial is old hat

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voice :V

still text :(

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THIS HAS ALL BEEN PRIVATE nothing to see here move along

SO VERY PRIVATE shoo

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ffff browser >:|

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