94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[ichoosefight]

It is, but I've had to tell the story a couple of times now. I get by mostly making it as mechanical as possible, talking about it like it happened to someone else.

[ Does that help even a little bit? ]

[theonlyresponse]

You shouldn't do that. It happened to you, and it hurt - we can't help you with the emotional wounds if you try to detach yourself like that. Look at me for instance.

[Emotional awareness, Bruce style?]

[ichoosefight]

Leslie helped a lot with that. But feeling sorry for myself or feeling guilty doesn't do any good if I can't use it. [ See, she really is a Bat! ] I learned from it, I own it, and I do what I can to make things better. That's helping.

[theonlyresponse]

I like that about you. I wish I could manage something along those lines. It would help immensely. [Beat.] Are you going to finish the story? You don't have to if you don't want to. You can tell me something nice about Africa.

uh TW for torture here oops

[ichoosefight]

[ She looks down, finally takes a gulp of her hot cocoa. ]

We've already gotten this far. After I left Selina's place I went looking for Orpheus. He was the only one who could fix everything. But Black Mask found him first. He slit Orpheus' throat while I was talking to him. It was so dark I couldn't even see his face properly but I could see the blood. I usually don't tell people about that part. It's not important to the story but it was really disturbing.

[ She stares down at the cocoa, desperately trying to disconnect herself, but the flood is making her share parts of the story that she doesn't want to, parts that affect her and make it harder. Her eyes start to water. ]

Black Mask wanted to know what the big plan was, so he attacked me. We fought for a while and it almost looked like I was going to win, but he knocked me out and when I woke up I was chained to the ceiling in his basement. That was when he turned on the power drill.

[ She chokes here, and has to stop while the tears start flowing. Her hands shake slightly as she squeezes the mug until her hands start to hurt. ]

[theonlyresponse]

I don't know what to say that. [Beat.] I don't anything I can say to that would make it easier for you.

[Reaches a hand for hers. His voice is strained.] I'm sorry you were alone. Partners are supposed to look out for each other.

[ichoosefight]

[ She pries a hand off of her mug, and then another one as she sets it down to take his hand. She squeezes tight as she wipes her eyes. ]

I didn't have a partner. He told me he didn't want me being Spoiler anymore either. Nobody knew to look for me but Selina. So I knew nobody was coming for me. I stopped caring, all I could think about was the war going on outside and how I started it.

I don't know what happened, but eventually one of my hands slipped out of the chains. I managed to pull the other one out and regain consciousness before he came back. And then I ambushed him. I got his gun. I was going to shoot him in the face. It was all I wanted. I was so angry at him and myself and the world and I just wanted to end it all.

[ She takes a deep breath, lets it out. ]

I couldn't do it. I realized... I realized I was dead either way. I was bleeding and broken and it didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was that Batman wouldn't want me to. Tim wouldn't want me to. I didn't want them to hate me any more than I thought they already must.

So he took the gun back and shot me and left me for dead. And when I woke up I went looking for Batman.

[theonlyresponse]

[Squeezes her hand again gently, before he offers her a small smile, as reassuring as he can make it.] No one should hate you for that, and someone should have come.

new TW for suicidal thoughts

[ichoosefight]

[ She sniffles, but she can't manage a smile. ]

I wish I had been able to see that then. All I could see was everyone telling me I wasn't good enough, that I should quit, that I was going to get hurt. Batman said he understood, that it wasn't my fault, but I thought he was just saying that because he was afraid I was going to die.

[ A beat. She hasn't told anybody but Leslie this bit. ]

I kept thinking about Tim, and what would he say, and would he feel sorry for me, or would he blame himself, or would he be glad that I had finally been hurt enough to want to quit? And what about my mom? She was always so afraid that I would end up like my dad, and here I was having just about decimated the city. I wished I was dead. So when Leslie suggested faking it, it seemed perfect. They couldn't hate me if I was killed by Black Mask, and nobody would have to know that I was thinking about killing myself.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't want to admit this but I think I would have done the same - tried to push you away and make you quit because I'm afraid you're going to die too. [Beat.] But I wouldn't have left you on your own because I know you would have wanted to help fix it. Something that big... [Shakes his head.] I had partners for a reason.

[At the next bit his eyes widen in shock, and he moves closer, putting an arm around her.] I'm here. I don't think there's much I can do, but I'm here.

[ichoosefight]

It would never have worked, and it never will.

[ She leans into him, the tension starting to leave her body. She just sort of slumps helplessly. ]

It hurt more when I came back and Tim was so upset with me. I felt like he wished I really had died, that he wasn't just glad I was hurt enough to quit but he was glad to have me out of his hair. I know he felt betrayed, but I was depressed and I couldn't help some of the things that went through my head.

TW he's also suicidally depressed X(

[theonlyresponse]

I know. That's something I have to come to terms with. All of you mean well, but... it's still something I'm afraid of.

[Squeezes her shoulder gently.] No, you couldn't. Don't feel bad for thinking those thoughts. They happen to all of us... even me.

this family :T

[ichoosefight]

I feel bad still because I couldn't convince him that he wasn't betrayed. [ She never really has been able to, no matter how she tried. ] Thinking them doesn't make them true. That's what Leslie told me.

/clings

[theonlyresponse]

You tried. The rest is on him. [He allows himself a small, nostalgic smile when thinking of Leslie.] She's right. Impulses are different from actions.

/holds

[ichoosefight]

And perceptions are different from reality, especially when you're depressed. Just because you think someone hates you doesn't mean they do.

[theonlyresponse]

It would be easier if they did. [His shoulder slump.]

[ichoosefight]

Giving up would be easier. Life's not supposed to be easy. That's what makes it worth while.

TW again suicide :|

[theonlyresponse]

I agree it isn't easy, but I don't know if it's worthwhile anymore.

[ichoosefight]

It is. I promise it is. [ She snakes her arms around him to give him a squeeze. ]

You have people who care about you and want you to be happy.

[theonlyresponse]

You can say it all you want, but I think I need to go through something horrific before that sinks in. [Smiles sadly.] I never did learn the easy way.

[ichoosefight]

Sitting here listening to me cry wasn't horrific enough?

[ She manages a smile now, in spite of herself. ]

[theonlyresponse]

No! Why would anyone think that?

[ichoosefight]

I feel like I'm dropping my past on your shoulders, and it's not a pretty one.

[theonlyresponse]

What kind of monster would I be if I decided not to listen when you clearly needed someone?

[ichoosefight]

The kind you claim to be, probably.