94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[ichoosefight]

[ That startles a laugh out of her, and she hugs him tight again. ]

I like you better than the Bruce from my world. Does that make me a bad person?

[theonlyresponse]

[Hugs back, tight.] I don't want to be him. From what I've heard, I don't think I'd like that at all. But I can't see any other way I could ever leave. [Beat.] I... don't want to leave. I have a family here. That's so much more than what I had at home.

[ichoosefight]

You could go somewhere else. You could go anywhere you want, but staying here will only make you miserable.

[theonlyresponse]

I'd only be miserable if the ship was making the rest of you miserable too.

[ichoosefight]

It would, and it will. That's why I'm leaving as soon as I can go without feeling overwhelmingly guilty.

[ A beat. ]

I think the cocoa is ready.

[theonlyresponse]

You shouldn't feel guilty at all about wanting to leave. [Beat.] It is. I haven't had hot chocolate in a long time. [Pours it into the mugs.]

[ichoosefight]

Let's sit on the couch, it's more comfortable than the table. [ She heads over there, putting out two coasters and waiting for him to bring the drinks. ]

I don't want to leave the people I care about or the people who need me.

[theonlyresponse]

[He puts one on her coaster, and blows on his own, gently. Then, he sits down next to her.] Dick said the same thing. I'm beginning to think all of you should just leave at the same time.

[ichoosefight]

It wouldn't work. I've got inmates I care about too.

[ She picks up the mug and cradles it while she blows on it. It's comforting while she asks her next question. ]

Do you still want to hear about the gang war?

[theonlyresponse]

Yes, I do.

[ichoosefight]

Okay. Well, it's a long story so feel free to interrupt. It started when Batman fired me because he told me to stay in the plane and I thought he was in trouble so I went to help and the assassin he was fighting grabbed me and he had to let her go. There were two rules, I didn't learn any big secrets until I was off probation and if I ever disobeyed an order I was out. So I was out. I didn't think he would honestly do it, but he did. I wanted to prove to him that he was wrong about me and that I could do what he did so I got on the computer before I left and stole one his war plans.

[ This much comes out quickly enough that it barely registers with Steph on an emotional level. But the next part is worse, and it's harder to say, so she pauses. ]

[theonlyresponse]

Dick and Jason disobeyed orders all the time. That's not grounds to fire you. [Beat.] There's a lot of war plans. Which one?

[ichoosefight]

[ And yet, he did. What makes her different? She doesn't really want to know. ]

The idea was to gather all the gang leaders in Gotham under one person, a person Batman could control. It was supposed to be Matches Malone, but I didn't know he was just Batman in disguise.

[theonlyresponse]

What went wrong?

[ichoosefight]

Matches didn't show up. Someone reached for a lighter and the next thing I knew they were all shooting. Only Orpheus and Onyx made it out, and with the leaders gone it was all out war.

[ She still remembers it vividly, all the shots fired and Selina telling her if she tried to stop it now she was dead. ]

After that I tried to help where I could, but I was pretty useless and I was t supposed to be on the streets at all. Finally Selina found me again and I told her what happened and she told me about Matches Malone. She tried to keep me at her house with her friends but I knew it was my fault and people were dying and I couldn't sit around so I ran out.

[theonlyresponse]

Sionis hurt you, and Leslie faked your death.

[ichoosefight]

Well, yes, I was getting to that part. He killed Orpheus first. [ She drums her fingers on her cocoa mug. She's not even thinking about drinking it yet. It's just a prop. ]

I thought you had questions?

[theonlyresponse]

I don't know if I have a right to ask them. This is something very painful for you.

[ichoosefight]

It is, but I've had to tell the story a couple of times now. I get by mostly making it as mechanical as possible, talking about it like it happened to someone else.

[ Does that help even a little bit? ]

[theonlyresponse]

You shouldn't do that. It happened to you, and it hurt - we can't help you with the emotional wounds if you try to detach yourself like that. Look at me for instance.

[Emotional awareness, Bruce style?]

[ichoosefight]

Leslie helped a lot with that. But feeling sorry for myself or feeling guilty doesn't do any good if I can't use it. [ See, she really is a Bat! ] I learned from it, I own it, and I do what I can to make things better. That's helping.

[theonlyresponse]

I like that about you. I wish I could manage something along those lines. It would help immensely. [Beat.] Are you going to finish the story? You don't have to if you don't want to. You can tell me something nice about Africa.

uh TW for torture here oops

[ichoosefight]

[ She looks down, finally takes a gulp of her hot cocoa. ]

We've already gotten this far. After I left Selina's place I went looking for Orpheus. He was the only one who could fix everything. But Black Mask found him first. He slit Orpheus' throat while I was talking to him. It was so dark I couldn't even see his face properly but I could see the blood. I usually don't tell people about that part. It's not important to the story but it was really disturbing.

[ She stares down at the cocoa, desperately trying to disconnect herself, but the flood is making her share parts of the story that she doesn't want to, parts that affect her and make it harder. Her eyes start to water. ]

Black Mask wanted to know what the big plan was, so he attacked me. We fought for a while and it almost looked like I was going to win, but he knocked me out and when I woke up I was chained to the ceiling in his basement. That was when he turned on the power drill.

[ She chokes here, and has to stop while the tears start flowing. Her hands shake slightly as she squeezes the mug until her hands start to hurt. ]

[theonlyresponse]

I don't know what to say that. [Beat.] I don't anything I can say to that would make it easier for you.

[Reaches a hand for hers. His voice is strained.] I'm sorry you were alone. Partners are supposed to look out for each other.

[ichoosefight]

[ She pries a hand off of her mug, and then another one as she sets it down to take his hand. She squeezes tight as she wipes her eyes. ]

I didn't have a partner. He told me he didn't want me being Spoiler anymore either. Nobody knew to look for me but Selina. So I knew nobody was coming for me. I stopped caring, all I could think about was the war going on outside and how I started it.

I don't know what happened, but eventually one of my hands slipped out of the chains. I managed to pull the other one out and regain consciousness before he came back. And then I ambushed him. I got his gun. I was going to shoot him in the face. It was all I wanted. I was so angry at him and myself and the world and I just wanted to end it all.

[ She takes a deep breath, lets it out. ]

I couldn't do it. I realized... I realized I was dead either way. I was bleeding and broken and it didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was that Batman wouldn't want me to. Tim wouldn't want me to. I didn't want them to hate me any more than I thought they already must.

So he took the gun back and shot me and left me for dead. And when I woke up I went looking for Batman.