94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

Comments

[hungryanhorny]

'Cause I'm scared shitless.

Tommy? Left. Watcher? Dead. B? Stabbed me in the stomach. My imaginary friend? Ancient vengeance demon who tried to kill me. Not exactly great with the track record, here.

[ichoosefight]

I think its really sad that you let your fear hold you down like that. It's not just preventing you from making new friends but actively driving away the friends you do have.

[greenarrowed]

Those are three very different things.

[hungryanhorny]

So what am I supposed to do, BG? I don't know. Even B's gone.

[ichoosefight]

None of which are mutually exclusive with 'fucked up'.

[ichoosefight]

You should start treating people like people and not like punching bags.

[hungryanhorny]

You don't have to keep your distance from punching bags. They don't hit back.

[ichoosefight]

They make horrible friends. Most inanimate objects do.

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

Most people are horrible. Everyone can be horrible, if they haven't been driven to it yet.

What could you forgive? I don't think I know how. I don't know if I wish I did or not. It seems so stupid, letting people hurt you again.

ffff browser >:|

[theonlyresponse]

It's a heavy one to make, but our job is to protect people. [Beat.] I want to believe that, Stephanie. I used to. I want to believe in Harvey Dent. Then Barbara got shot, Jason got killed, and I started seeing the body counts. How much of it could I have stopped if I'd acted sooner? How much of it piles up before we say enough is enough, there won't be any more?

[private]

[ichoosefight]

Batman kept secrets from me so basic that without them I accidentally started a gang war that killed hundreds and resulted in my own torture. It was so bad I let my doctor fake my death and went to Africa for a year.

But it wasn't all his fault, and I get why he did it. I can forgive that. I just hate how he thinks he can control everyone.

[ichoosefight]

But why does it have to be you?

[ She looks at him with understanding in her eyes, but also sadness. She knows, she knows that leaving the Joker alive kills so many people, but this is too much for him. ]

Why can't the system just work and be fair and you don't have to be guilty because you didn't have to do it all yourself.

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

Batman.

Is he the guy in room 17, level 4?

[Yeah, that's a little bit of gut-level fear, right there.]

[theonlyresponse]

I don't care if it kills me. [Beat.] I don't care that it killed me. I just want all of you to be safe. I see you wearing the costumes... and it hurts. I don't want you out there fighting on my behalf, when you should be growing up, having a normal life, settling down, or doing whatever people who aren't us do. I look at you wearing the costumes and all I can see is myself finding you somewhere, too late to be of any help. I don't... I can't take it. I don't know what I'd do if it happened again. I'm afraid it will, because I know all of you. I don't want it to. The mission isn't worth more than your lives. My mission isn't.

[buildindreemz]

That really sucks. My first two inmates also disappeared, so I'm really invested in making sure Rex graduates. I'm terrified he'll leave, too, and then I'll be stuck here to start all over again.

[private]

[ichoosefight]

Yeah, that's him.

[ But no, wait, that might be confusing! ]

Not the same Batman, though. We're from different universes.

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

How well do you know the one here? How similar are they? Has he been controlling too? He's one of the only people who's ever taken care of me but I'm terrified that if he's like that then he'll end up crushing me just like my dad did.

[ichoosefight]

[ She wants to reach out, but she's not sure how. So instead she hugs her arms over her chest. ]

I care. My mom didn't leave my dad, Bruce, I never had a chance at a normal life. If I die it won't be for the mission, it'll be for what I believe in. That's more than I ever would have had without the mask.

[ichoosefight]

I decided this was my last time. If I fail with Doyle I'm going home, with or without Kon. I know it's selfish but it's what I decided.

[theonlyresponse]

I don't want you to die at all. [Flat and without conviction, like he's playing an old record that won't shut up.

He checks the chocolate. It's nearly done.] I wish there was another way.

[private]

[ichoosefight]

I feel like I know him better than he knows himself. He's the same, but kind of the opposite. He tries to push everyone away because he's afraid of seeing them hurt because of him. They're the same that way. But my Batman kept working with others and this one cut himself off.

[buildindreemz]

It might be selfish, but I think you superhero types could stand to be a little more selfish. I think it'd be good for you to think about your own happiness a little more often.

I just can't understand why anyone would choose to do the things you and Dick and the others do on a regular basis. Talk about thankless, exhausting and disheartening.

[ichoosefight]

Everyone dies eventually. I love being Batgirl. I loved being Spoiler. I don't want another way.

[theonlyresponse]

[He moves over and hugs her.] But I do. I don't know if that's selfish.

[ichoosefight]

It gave me some measure of control over my life, and a sense of worth. Now I do it because I love it, and I want to help people and I'm afraid that if I don't nobody else will, because there will never be enough people patrolling in Gotham.