ichoosefight | 94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

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It is. Sometimes I still have a hard time dealing with my emotions. I get overwhelmed and I'm afraid I'll say anything I regret.

[Nuzzles her neck.]

Then when we hold each other like this, it makes me glad I'm able to keep myself together.

Even when you can't hold it together, I'm still here for you.

What if I say something hurtful?

You'll just have to take it back.

I'd take it back in a heartbeat.

Then you have nothing to worry about. [ She smiles. ] Sometimes people hurt each other in little ways. It happens. It's nothing that will get between us.

We've never really had a big fight before. That was the closest the two of us have come to one. I don't have any experience to reflect back on to help me figure out how couples between arguments go.

I have a lot of experience but I think the key word there is couples. Not all couples really love each other. I don't think my father really loved my mother. Their arguments were very different.

I think we're doing just fine.

I'm glad we always find a way to talk things out. I know early on I used to get pretty moody, but you always looked for the good in the situation.

I'm glad you've learned to see things in a better light, even though I didn't really mind you being moody.

Something tells me while you didn't mind it, you probably like it better when I'm not.

I do like it better when you're not. I can only be patient for so long. I think four months is probably my breaking point.

What happens at fourth months and one day?

I start lecturing. I never like being lectured myself but sometimes it feels so good to be on the lecturing end. I think I really upset Faith today but I also think she really needed to hear it.

What did you say to her?

That if she kept pushing people away she was going to lose the few friends she does have. [ At this Steph definitely sounds sheepish. ]

I can't believe she said all those things about Buffy! [Huffs. Someone is protective of his former Warden.]

Me neither. Honestly, she has to understand that she can't just take her anger out on other people like that. She's a warden, she should know better than that.

I wish the Admiral paid more attention to what Wardens do. There always seems to be so much conflict on the Barge instead of peace making.

I wish the Admiral paid more attention in general. So much about this place doesn't make any sense at all.

Sometimes I feel really hopeful about this place, and other times I have my doubts about it. Still, I want to keep believing that everyone who shows up here has some kind of shot at redemption, and that we can make a difference.

I can't believe that. Roman Sionis doesn't deserve a shot at redemption.

Who is that? [Only knows him by his crime name.]

Black Mask. He was here a few years ago.

>[Tightens his hold around her while his eyes flicker red.]

Honestly, if he ever showed up here again I'm not sure if I'd remain a Warden for very long.

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