ichoosefight | 94,31 - Self denial is old hat

[ Steph begins the video feed like she always does it, with the camera displaying her face and a few cute doodles in the background. But once she starts talking she just keeps going and the stream of words doesn’t seem to stop. Her hands move in time to the words but not with any logic, like she’s only half-feeling the effect of her words and it’s just a token expressive effort. ]

I hear people arguing over who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy and who deserves to be a warden and who doesn’t and all it does is remind me how much I really hate this place. Because it doesn’t matter, what’s right and wrong doesn’t matter and we can’t do anything about it. Some people are wardens and some people are inmates and everybody wants some definitive reason but there just isn’t one. I feel like a Roman doctor, trying to kill bacteria that don’t even have names yet and just covering everyone in leeches.

[ A pause. A very brief pause, in which she considers that last statement. And then it begins again. ]

Did the Romans cover people in leeches? I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve had a history class. And that’s another thing I hate, I used to be okay with taking a vacation and turning in the homework that’s been sitting in my desk for months but now I’m too scared to. People leave and they don’t come back, or they come back different, or someone else comes back instead and you lose everything because you just wanted to get a grade on your psych paper already.

So it’s all or nothing, and I’m stuck here because I care too much to just up and leave even though the system is stupid and some of you are really awful and people I care about keep getting hurt.

[ A sigh, and she ends on a bitter note: ]

Whoever said it first was right. I must be crazy.

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I don't want to admit this but I think I would have done the same - tried to push you away and make you quit because I'm afraid you're going to die too. [Beat.] But I wouldn't have left you on your own because I know you would have wanted to help fix it. Something that big... [Shakes his head.] I had partners for a reason.

[At the next bit his eyes widen in shock, and he moves closer, putting an arm around her.] I'm here. I don't think there's much I can do, but I'm here.

It's not really okay, but go.

I don't know if sticking around while I'm upset will help. It hurts knowing that staying here with me would make you miserable.

Being with you would be one of the only good parts. Having to see the things this place does to us is what makes me miserable.

I know, but honestly...I think this place isn't half as bad as other places. Like my world or your world. I'm afraid you're going to get seriously hurt or worse in your world. It sounds like such a dangerous place.

It would never have worked, and it never will.

[ She leans into him, the tension starting to leave her body. She just sort of slumps helplessly. ]

It hurt more when I came back and Tim was so upset with me. I felt like he wished I really had died, that he wasn't just glad I was hurt enough to quit but he was glad to have me out of his hair. I know he felt betrayed, but I was depressed and I couldn't help some of the things that went through my head.

There's no constant invasion of privacy, and I always know who I am, and there isn't a constant stream of people demanding things from me that I can't give them and then striking out when I don't. I know how to deal with my world long term. This one keeps wearing me down. And I'm afraid if we both keep coming up with reasons to stay we'll never leave.

Where are you? In our room?

Yeah, I'm cleaning up the mugs from Bruce's visit.

[Zoom! Within seconds he's at their room. He doesn't bother saying anything to her, instead he pulls her in for a hug, all encompassing hug.]

I know. That's something I have to come to terms with. All of you mean well, but... it's still something I'm afraid of.

[Squeezes her shoulder gently.] No, you couldn't. Don't feel bad for thinking those thoughts. They happen to all of us... even me.

[ She waits for him to say something, but he doesn't so she just clings desperately to him. She really doesn't want to leave him, ever. ]

[Doesn't speak for a good few minutes. Instead he continues to hug her tightly, soaking in both her warmth and her presence. When he finally speaks up it's in a soft voice.]

Whatever you decide, you won't lose me either way. You never will.

I feel bad still because I couldn't convince him that he wasn't betrayed. [ She never really has been able to, no matter how she tried. ] Thinking them doesn't make them true. That's what Leslie told me.

You tried. The rest is on him. [He allows himself a small, nostalgic smile when thinking of Leslie.] She's right. Impulses are different from actions.

[ She speaks in almost a whisper. ]

I love you, Kon.

And perceptions are different from reality, especially when you're depressed. Just because you think someone hates you doesn't mean they do.

It would be easier if they did. [His shoulder slump.]

Giving up would be easier. Life's not supposed to be easy. That's what makes it worth while.

I agree it isn't easy, but I don't know if it's worthwhile anymore.

It is. I promise it is. [ She snakes her arms around him to give him a squeeze. ]

You have people who care about you and want you to be happy.

Oh, I know it's always complicated. I'm very privileged, but I've been on my own long enough to know the money trouble thing is always a kick in the stomach.

I do admire you all, though. Not in a "I want to be like you" way, but just in the example you're setting to be nicer in general, I guess.

You can say it all you want, but I think I need to go through something horrific before that sinks in. [Smiles sadly.] I never did learn the easy way.

That's the real trouble with Gotham. The people who really need to get out don't have the means.

I like to think I could do that without being a masked vigilante.

Sitting here listening to me cry wasn't horrific enough?

[ She manages a smile now, in spite of herself. ]

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94,31 - Self denial is old hat

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TW he's also suicidally depressed X(

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this family :T

/clings

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TW again suicide :|

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