42 - Audio - I have the strangest dreams...

[ichoosefight]

[ Audio ]

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where you think you've woken up, only you wake up later and realize you didn't?

...

Yeah, me neither.

[ Private to Bruce ]

So was it a dream or not?

Comments

[PRIVATE]

[ichoosefight.livejournal.com]

I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to understand. I'm just trying to help.

And I'm a kid who's been through more than you'll ever know. I understand better than you think. About making mistakes. Doing something really horrible that seemed right at the time. Hating yourself for it while trying to find an explanation.

: [PRIVATE]

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

Who said I hate myself? [Hoffman snarls it out, but it's pretty easy to see that...well...he does.]

[PRIVATE]

[ichoosefight.livejournal.com]

Nobody. I just said I understand how that feels. [ Woooo protectionism! ]

[PRIVATE]

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hoffman closes his eyes tight]

You're too young to know how this feels. [He sighs heavily] ....And that makes me truly sorry for the way things have turned out.

[PRIVATE]

[ichoosefight.livejournal.com]

[ She smiles wryly. ]

I'm old for my age.

Re: [PRIVATE]

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hoffman looks ready laugh...but he doesn't.]

I am truly sorry for that.

[PRIVATE]

[ichoosefight.livejournal.com]

[ She blinks at him for a moment. ]

It's okay to laugh. It was meant to be at least a little funny.

[PRIVATE]

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[He chuckles at that]

Look. I told you about my sister. So maybe I get a little...off centered when kids talk like that. Growing up in foster homes does shit like that to you I mean...

[His eyes go distant] Fuck, I remember this one guy...

[PRIVATE]

[ichoosefight.livejournal.com]

Right. Well, my home was worse than a foster home. And there were... well, somebody here got rid of the scars. You really shouldn't compare me to your sister, it can only really be a bad thing.

Re: [PRIVATE]

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hoffman sighs]

Sorry.

[PRIVATE]

[ichoosefight.livejournal.com]

Not much point in being sorry. My life's turned around since then.

...

You know yours could, too.

Re: [PRIVATE]

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

...People keep telling me that. [He doesn't want to believe them. It...He'd be scared of facing that.]

I don't know if I could face up to it. I don't know if I want to face up to it. Friends...

People who watched my back. People who saved my life. People who's tables I ate at, who's wives I talked to. Hell, people I've fucked are dead because of me.

[PRIVATE]

[ichoosefight.livejournal.com]

I... [ No, that's too personal to share. ]

There are people who will never forgive you, and there are people who will never let you forget. But there are also people who will give you a chance, even if it's grudgingly. And eventually, if you really have changed for the better, somebody will notice.

If that's too much for you, though, you can always run away, find a new place and get a fresh start.