ichoosefight | 83,20 - Raise your hand if high school was lame

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83,20 - Raise your hand if high school was lame

[ Audio ]

[ There's a quiet sound in the background of pencil scratching on paper, the tell-tale sign that Steph is doodling again. Her voice is bland, conversational. The breach was actually pretty okay for her, on the whole. ]

That was... something different. High school, not really one of my best experiences. Maybe next time we could have super cool magic powers without the school life? [ There's a brief pause in which she shrugs before remembering that video isn't on. She makes a noncommittal sound. ] Not that it matters much at this point.

Though I do hope those nipples didn't belong to anyone... or if they did, that they got them back.

[ Action for Wanda or Anyone Really ]

[ The morning after the breach ends Steph manages to get up unusually early (which is actually a fairly reasonable time, for any normal non-teenager person) and heads down to the dining hall for breakfast. Coffee and pancakes are all she needs this morning.

Once she's eaten, she heads back to her own room to prepare waffles for Wanda as usual before heading out to knock on her inmate's door. It's earlier than usual, but there's just never any telling with Wanda how she'll react to these sorts of things, and Steph figures she's better safe than sorry. ]

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Yes, I want to learn more magic. But...

...look, do you even realize what I have to look forward to even if I manage to make it out of here? I'm almost a decade behind on everything, I'll have no one, and I have to give up on my whole world just so I don't have to live with the reminder that nobody there cares about me and I'll never get justice. And every waking minute of every fucking day I am afraid and hurting to the point where I can barely stand it.

What kind of life is that? I am more alienated and angry after a year aboard the Barge than I have ever been, and it is largely because of stupid, insensitive, lazy shit that Wardens have done.

The truth is that the next heartless motherfucker who yells at me to "grow up" is getting their ass kicked. I didn't ask to be locked up in isolation for most of my life, I can't wave a magic fucking wand to catch up, and nobody is helping me catch up either. I do the best that I can, and people are still blaming me for the direct result of what was done to me. These fuckers would probably blame me for bleeding on their carpet if I staggered in with a knife in my chest.

I'd like to see Angua or Prefect or any of the others go through what I did and come out of it with no emotional issues and a perfect fucking grasp of acceptable behavior.

I...need...help. I need someone to fix what was done to me. I need someone to take the damn pain away so I can face my memories without screaming myself awake all the damn time. How the fuck am I supposed to relearn how to trust people and care about them, like that damn file says, when almost nobody cares, and even less understand?

I care.

[ Which she knows will only open the next can of worms, but it all she really has to offer anymore. ]

What do you think would take the pain away?

I wouldn't even bring it up if I thought you didn't.

I...don't...know. Maybe magic, telepathy, a medical cannabis prescription...maybe I should just have all my memories erased. Because I've just overdosed on how much the world really sucks. If I'm going to need to be able to lie to myself and believe again that most people are basically good and worth the effort, I don't know how I can do that with my experiences. I don't even want this life anymore.

If that's really what you want, I'm pretty sure it can be arranged. But everyone is different. Nobody can know what will work for you but you.

The only thing that makes me feel safe now is gaining in power and skill. The only thing that makes the pain stop for a while is being altered out of my mind. What will work for me? I don't know. Maybe the world being better than it is?

Tony and a bunch of other Wardens finished the job my father and Xavier did of breaking me. The so-called good guys here were the ones who more than anything made me lose my faith in people. My Warden let his boyfriend kidnap me and never bothered to look for me himself. The Warden who actually did rescue me took advantage of my being desperate for protection. I think you can guess how.

[She pauses to let that sink in, staring right into Steph's eyes.]

And nobody's sorry. Nobody will be punished. And if I show my pain and anger, I get blamed.

I'm tired of it. What I really want is to force the Wardens to shut up, listen, understand, sympathize, and stop fucking yelling at me. To make the majority of them act like decent human beings instead of heartless assbags. I can hardly expect that from Inmates, but you guys are supposed to be the good guys.

[She wipes her eyes.]

So yeah, since even I can't change reality that drastically, and the kind of people who could actually rebuild my faith in others are so rare it's ridiculous, maybe...

Maybe the only possible answer is to make myself either forget, or not care about my memories anymore. And then hope I get out of here before anything else horrible happens.

[ Steph rarely feels so useless and defeated as when she tries to help Wanda. She keeps her hands in her pockets now that the waffles are out of her hands and leans back against the wall, tired. ]

How you want to proceed is your choice. You've lost those memories before, right? [ Not a question, just a reminder. ]

[Wanda just stares at her, and then shakes her head.]

No sympathy, no outrage. She's just treating me like a particularly frustrating job. I thought she said she cared? Goddamn it, she is always disappointing me.

I did nothing to invite being hurt like this, and I did nothing to deserve it. Nothing. If you want to be pissed at someone, be pissed at the ones who did this to me, and the systems that allow it. I am not putting up with any more fucking victim-blaming from anyone.

[A long silence.]

I still need to know intellectually what happened so that I won't ever allow anyone to take advantage or hurt me again. But I am sick of it hurting all the goddamned time. If I'm not allowed to get justice, then I refuse to just suffer.

I'll have to think about what exactly I want done.

I'm not angry, Wanda. [ Just broken down, demoralized by Wanda's refusal to respond to her with anything but anger and indignation. It's hard to help someone when they treat you like crap, but she won't give up. ] I'm just discussing your options.

[Wanda shakes her head.]

She doesn't want to hear about my problems. They make her uncomfortable and she clearly blames me for that. I didn't do anything to deserve this insensitivity. I just told her that I had to trade my virginity for protection in this hellhole and she didn't even bat an eye. Why does she treat me like this? She said I could talk about anything but she takes it as a personal insult when I tell her the truth. I can't take this.

[she sags, resigned.]

It's fine. I'll go ask Xavier to edit my memories. Then I can buy into the lie that people in general are worth having faith in and get out of here. You don't have to do anything except let me into the CES daily. Then, pretty soon, I can go home, you can get paid, the Barge will be rid of me, everyone gets what they want.

I just wish that someone would listen without taking my pain as some kind of personal insult. But I guess that's too much to ask from anyone, even someone being paid to listen.

It's fine. I'll take care of it myself.

You know that's not all I want. This isn't a decision you should make lightly.

Edited 2012-08-02 18:40 (UTC)

What I want is to stop hurting. Nothing else really matters to me right now. Not redemption. Just no longer being in pain all the goddamn time.

I deserve so much better than this.

You do. Nobody deserves any of this, but definitely not you.

[ She lets out a breath. ]

Have you ever heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? I've been reading up on it.

I'm sorry you have to deal with me like this. I can't help it but it still sucks.

[She's quiet for a moment, then frowns thoughtfully and grabs her ebook reader.] I think I downloaded some stuff on it actually but I haven't gotten to it. I could start studying it.

It's not your fault you're messed up. [ It is her fault how she deals with it, but everyone is different. ]

It's all about how your thoughts cause your feelings, and paying attention to the things you're telling yourself in your own head. Not like mind control or a mind wipe, just... taking control of your own mind. [ Which she thinks would be a much better idea, but she's trying very hard to remain neutral and let Wanda take her own pace. ]

The idea of letting someone do something to my mind to fix this is pretty tempting. But...if that person says no I have to have an alternative.

Thank you. I'll start studying.

The really tempting ideas are the ones you should think about more. [ She said she wouldn't force her opinions on Wanda, but she really thinks brainwashing is a bad idea, well intentioned or not. ]

I'll see what else I can find too.

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83,20 - Raise your hand if high school was lame

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